Dear Dr. Love,My boyfriend and I have been dating for over two years now. We are very close and we tell eachother everything. He is very affectionate he always hugs me and kisses me, and lets me know that he loves me. I know for a fact that he is not seeing someone else. But there is one problem. We rarely make love. He was a virgin before we first started to make love and at first we were both excited and terrified at the same time.He used to be very into making love with me, he enjoyed it and often initiated it. But now he is always too tired he says he doesn’t want to a lot. He has gotten past being frightened by sex, but now he just isn’t interested as much. I can’t help but wonder, is it me? what am I doing wrong? I can only get him to make love to me maybe once a week or once every two weeks. He has never acted like making love makes him uncomfortable so I have never tried to stop wanting him. Is there something wrong with me? Is there anything I can do to help him enjoy sex?Please help! Feeling cheap in CA
The way you signed your letter, feeling cheap, concerns me. Is your boyfriend sending you messages that you are cheap for wanting more sex or are you doing this number on yourself? Because you asked me what’s wrong with you, I have the sense that you are prone to self-attack.First things first. You are personalizing (meaning taking personally) your boyfriend’s problem. Women are notorious for doing this, whereas men tend to preserve their egos by placing the responsibility on the other guy or on circumstances (it’s his problem, etc.)Instead of personalizing and looking for flaws within yourself, let’s realize that this guy had terror over sex from day one. That is a very strong reaction and even though he bit the bullet, if I may say, and had sex, that doesn’t mean that his issues were resolved.Not being in the mood or feeling too tired for sex, in a young man, is usually due to emotionally causes.Of course, if there are any doubts a complete physical with blood work is in order. Certain hormone imbalances, diabetes, extreme stress or physical exhaustion can lower sex drive. However, I doubt there is anything physically wrong here.When he receives a clean bill of health, then we can return to my original thought, that there is an emotional issue which is causing his lack of drive. Usually, fear of closeness, intimacy, commitment or dependency lurks beneath ‘I’m too tired, I’m not in the mood.’I have spoken about these issues in the Advice Archives and I encourage you to do a search and find out more.I would also talk to him, if he’s willing. I would ask him how he would feel if you had more sex. How does he feel inside that you want more than he does? And, most importantly, how does he feel toward you for wanting more than he wants to give (resentful, frightened). You also might explore how the I want more than you do pattern relates to both your histories. Did he have a parent that pressured him to perform when he didn’t want to. And, did you have a parent that wouldn’t give you the level of love that you needed.Realize that sex is a loaded topic meaning that, to the unconscious mind, it has another significance. It would be good to find out what sex means to each of you.Hint: For you sex means love, I think, and when he doesn’t want sex with you, you feel unloved by him and also, if you are like most humans, you are reminded of your first relationships in which you weren’t loved enough. Hence his refusal of sex will naturally bring up early issues for you around feeling unloved, etc.For him sex may mean control, invasion of the self, etc. He may have had an intrusive parent that never gave him enough space.I have given you both a lot to think about and work with. As long as you both open the channel of communication and begin talking and exploring, you should be able to get to the bottom (no pun intended) of the issue.Good luck.
