Dear Dr. Love, I am this desperate for help that I am turning to all sources, now its an online advice column.Ive read ur archives and u seem to be the perfect and most intelligent person who can help me in this situation. I pray that u can. . . .Ok, I have a problem(obviously), I have no sex drive anymore for my boyfriend of 2 years. Maybe its really im just falling out of love (even though I don’t want to, i WANT to want him, I want to feel the way i used to with HIM). Ive told him how i feel, and he of course, is saddened by it immensly.I find myself sometimes crushing on another guy (even though id never cheat but maybe if i knew he wanted me too id leave-MAYBE). My bf is my first bf ever. We have not haD sex though (im 18) even though in the beginning i saw it as a possibility(hes been with MANY others by the way if that helps).We used to have one, i used to want ‘it’ any time, anywhere, i felt strong emotions not just physical pleasure whenever we did do anything. Now, last yr this time exactly, he cheated on me. For 3 monthes he had sex with some girl.We’re still together so i obviously thought id foriven him-Well, sort of. Him cheating on me caused me to be SEVERLY depressed, not trust him at all, and i was constantly plagued with mistrust.Please help. sincerly,by far, your most miserable, confused patient=)
You have given me all that I need to know to understand what has happened to your sex drive.It has run for cover, and so have you.Here’s what’s happening to you. You were traumatized by what your boyfriend’s cheating. And, here’s what’s causing your problem, the feelings associated with the trauma (hurt, anger, etc. ) have been buried. When you decided to let it all go and take him back, where do you think the feelings went?They can’t just disappear by themselves. They were buried alive. And, when feelings, especially angry feelings, get buried alive they transform into other symptoms such as anxiety, depression, loss of feeling, and loss of sex drive.This is because numbing some of your feelings, such as your hurt and anger, results in numbing all of them, including your sex drive. Psychological anesthesia is the same as the general anesthesia. It numbs you out across the board.If you want to get back your sex drive, you have to be willing to ‘unnumb’ yourself. Meaning you have to be willing to feel all your feelings about what he did to you. Once you allow yourself to feel, the next step is to talk about your feelings with him.In order for your sex drive to return, you will need something more than simply owning your feelings. You will need a lot of reassurances from him (not just empty words) that he will never betray you again. Without a feeling of trust, a woman finds it hard to allow herself to open up sexually.If you do not get the right kind of response from him (remorse, apology, an honest attempt to understand why he did what he did, a commitment to never do this again, etc. ), your sexually feelings will probably not return for him.If he is unresponsive to your feelings, you need to seriously consider why you would want to stay in such a relationship. And, beyond deciding whether to stay or not, I need to tell you that I am concerned that you have been willing to kiss and make up with someone who you haven’t worked it out with?In the process you killed off large parts of yourself (your feelings of hurt, anger and even your sexuality). I think you need to find out why you are so willing to swallow so much of yourself and your feelings in order to hold on to a relationship with him.So, my recommendations are: Get in touch with how you felt about what he did. Talk to him. See if he can give you the kind of assurances that would enable you to trust again. And, explore your own motives for placing the relationship ahead of your feelings.Let me know how you make out.
