Greetings Dr. Turndorf,I been dating a great man for 8 months. He’s been a widower for 2yrs+. I was separated for 2yrs and now divorced for almost 2yrs (due to infidelity on my ex-husband ‘s part) and have a 10yr old boy. This man I been dating has no kids.I am happy to say that we have a good understanding and view many things in the same aspect. I can’t deny that I am falling for this man. He shows affection to the fullest (not only necessarily in bed). He’s a perfect gentlemen. (Someone who you would really say-only in fairy tales). We have met each others’ family and get along all so well. My son likes him very much. He has also taken me to meet his in laws in more than one ocassion.This man is a family oriented person like myself. The binds he has with his in laws are strong. I would never ask him to end ties with any of them. There came a time very recently that I was opening up to him and letting him know how I am feeling towards him. He was listening attentively and wore a nice smile.When he decided to say where he stands, his answers were a bit less than what I expected. His answers were more ‘lets take it one day at a time’ or ‘lets see how this goes’ and that he cares for me very much.Honestly, I feel like I am not rushing into anything. It’s not like I am asking for him to marry me TOMORROW. Very often has been the time when a we are on a topic and he emphasizes on his wife (RIP) and how he much he loves her. I can’t deny that at times I feel bothered. Don’t get me wrong, I am here to hear his past but there is a limit to things. Wouldn’t you agree?There are times when he has already told me of such past that I rather just stay quiet and pretend I never heard the story. After that day we had that open conversation, I felt like I am the one falling. I was straight forward and asked him, if he needed time to himself. He hesitated then said ‘yes’ in a uncertain way. Deep inside I was hoping for a ‘no’.The time off from each other was because we would spend every weekend together and it became routine. (Dr. Turndorf-you could have read in his face-that he’s not sure which way to go, where to go, what he feels and so on). So I let days go by without calling him as much. I won’t deny that I gave him a call here and there. Yet, he was also doing so.It literally took a whole week before he wanted to see me and pick me up to spend time with him. That week we were on and off, he spent it as his in laws doing some home improvement. (I feel as if his being with his in laws brings him a sense of closeness to his wife-spiritually).Do you understand, what I mean? My questions to you is ‘if he seems to feel somewhat confused or knows that he can’t open up the way he would want to then why arrange the meeting up with families’? How long will it take before he could actually open up for a new love?He stated at the beginning he was looking for a special bond with a female and find happiness again. He surely found what he was in search for because it’s what I want as well. I want to be in a healthy, loving, and happy relationship.My mother gave me the advice of giving him space so that he could at least see if he misses me since we are always communicating and then getting together on the weekends. What do you think of all this.Would he ever fall in love again? OH by the way he’s in his late 30’s and I’m 29. Just like I told you, I am falling for him. Is this a lost case or should I just continue to be patient? I haven’t mentioned my feelings again since then.What advice could you give me.
I hear how much you love this man and he does sound wonderful.There are two things going on here. The first is what appears to be a resistance to let go of his wife; and the second is fear of becoming close to you.Let me discuss both issues. First, your guy still talks a lot about his beloved wife and he seems to resist letting her go and moving on. He obviously loved her a lot and he doesn’t want to accept that she’s gone. He can’t make a space for you until he has fully grieved his wife and has moved on. Do you get the sense that he’s ready to do this? I don’t.Second, he also sounds terrified of becoming close to you. He obviously cares a great deal for you, but he is also scared to love and lose again. Time will not heal his fear. Time apart and missing your company you won’t heal his fear either. The only way to heal his problem is for him to put the feelings on the table and talk about them until they are worked through.As Sigmund Freud said, ‘To love is to lose. . . .
