Dear Dr. Love,I got married about six months ago, and my husband and I have a great relationship, except that I have a bigger appitite for sex than he does. Recently, we started spending time with another couple who we’ve been friends with for a few years. One night after we had all been out together, and were all pretty intoxicated, the other couple started making love right in front of us in their living room. My husband seemed to really like watching them, since he was suddenly very much in the mood himself.We had fun that night, and I thought it would never happen again, until a couple of weeks later. This time though, there was a little bit of touching going on between couples. It was really weird at first, but now I find that my husband ‘s sex drive has increased greatly. I love that part, but I’m worried that he will want to start doing stuff like this all the time, and I really don’t think I feel right about it. I enjoy our sex life a lot more now, but don’t want to continue down a path that I don’t feel I want to take. How do I encourage his sex drive to stay this active, and avoid situations I am uncomfortable with?Signed, Excited, but Worried
You are playing with fire and have good reason to be worried. I would sit down with yourself and meditate on the fear that you have. Ask yourself what am I afraid will come of these sexual escapades? Are you afraid that he will leave you for the other woman? Are you afraid that you will come to feel second-classed? When you figure out what is frightening you, then go to your husband and talk with him. I would start with your fear and ask the question: ‘Why am I feeling so afraid that if we continue sleeping with our friends that x, y, or z will happen. ‘ Let him talk and see if he can see the merit to your concerns.Next, I would talk frankly with him about why he feels more excited by the group sex than with the solo sex with you. I would ask him what he gets from the group sex that he can’t get with you alone. How does he want you to feel about the fact that sex with you isn’t satisfying him. Does he want you to feel hurt, angry, jealous, etc. Realize that sex conflicts often conceal other relationship issues. For example, lack of desire for a spouse can conceal unresolved anger, fear of intimacy, etc. So, by going out and sleeping with others, the underlying issues aren’t being addressed and healed. What’s more, there is the danger that matters become worse as all kinds of new dynamics enter the equation. I think this is what your fear is trying to tell you.I would point out to him that by going into behavioral enactments you are both jeopardizing the marriage. It would be far better to discuss your mutual needs and frustrations rather than go into sexual action. You could contact a good marriage counsellor if you need help in conducting the discussion. If I were you, I would hold off on the group sex and work toward understanding what the desire for group sex means to both of you. What yearnings does it express. What needs aren’t being met for your husband in the marriage. In other words, talk don’t act. Lots of luck.