im 23 and getting married in nov. 2003 to a 28 M who wont give up porn . I tell him i don’t want to marry a man like that. . . im not disrespectful to my mate that way and i don’t deserve it either.i cry every time he promises to end it. . . he gets online cyber sex chats all night right in front of me. still he continues to lie to me. i feel he doesn’t give a shit about the way i strongly believe about this.all his friends cheat on their wives. i don’t hang w/ them any more. why does he lie to me instead of choosing not to allow me to end up w/ someone i cant be intimate w.hes a rich boy all his life . maybe consequences are expendable to him? how do i help this as his friend?
You asked me why your fiance chooses to not allow you to end up with someone that you can be intimate with. You need to see that it is you who has chosen a man with whom you can’t be intimate. You are the author of your fate, not he. You need find out why you have made this choice for yourself. I suspect that you are so accustomed to being mistreated that you are almost relieved to have a guy who behaves in a way that gives you an excuse to keep your distance. If he stopped the porn and gave you all of himself, you might find yourself running for the hills.You also need to see that you are embarked on an impossible mission: to change him. If you study my answer to the question entitled, ‘Wondering How to Stop This Rollercoaster’ you will see that you are also locked in a repetition compulsion.The essential feature of the repetition compulsion is a tireless effort to try to fix the defective partner. This urge to fix the partner springs from the fantasy that if you can succeed in helping or changing your lover or spouse, that you will feel like you have won the love of your parent–thereby healing your original wound.Realize that the illusion that you can fix or change your partner is a relic from childhood. All children have a sense of omnipotence (the illusion that they are all powerful), which explains why kids believe that they have the ability to fix or change their parents. These omnipotent fantasies of childhood live on and resurface in the wish to fix or change your lover. You couldn’t fix your parents and you can’t fix this guy.Realizing that your wish to rescue and caretake him covers your own deep need to be fed yourself is your key to getting free. If you want to be loved, then you will choose a man who can love you. If you want to repeat your childhood pain, then stay you will stay with this man and keep trying to change him. You have a better chance of moving Mount Rushmore.All you can change is yourself. The first step is to accept him as he is and if you aren’t willing to, then move on to greener pastures.
