Just this past weekend, my boyfriend of 2 years told me he thought we should spend some time apart.I am in Graduate school, studying Clinical Psych – and he works full time. We are about 6 years apart, so there are some differences, but nothingthat was ever problematic.I live in my college town, about 60 miles away from him. We saw each other about every weekend. We had been friends for about 5 years before we started dating. He tells me that I was the perfect girlfriend, and there was nothing he would change about me, it is him. He loves me, but is not in love with me, but cannot imagine me not a part of his life. It was a very tearful break up.I am trying to deal with this as best I can, but I feel hopeless.I wrote him a letter telling him that I thought this might be a good idea, I though he might have fallen out of love w/ me because I became too emotionally dependent upon him.I just keep hoping he will come around, and that he is just scared that this is the real thing. I have never pushed him into anything, infact we NEVER argued, not once. I don’t understand — I just cannot take this.Please help me. What do I do?
I am sorry that you have been so mistreated. Yes, you have. You have been killed off and without a warning. He never clued you in that he was having doubts, then he drops the bomb on you. You are on the receiving end of the worst kind of unilateral action. He decided that it was over and then let you know when it was too late.You are tearful and you are hopeless, but you aren’t angry, and this is why you are having an even harder time dealing with the blow. When angry feelings are swallowed, they resurface in horrible ways (depression, numbness, physical symptoms, etc. ). So, before you do another thing, find your anger.This may be easier said than done. You mentioned that the two of you never argued. That is worrisome to me. All couples have conflicts, and the fact that you both didn’t means that both of you weren’t comfortable in dealing directly with your negative feelings. His negative feelings went underground, surfacing when it was far too late to save the relationship. Your negative feelings lived underground throughout the duration of your relationship, and they are still buried despite his miserable act.So, in order to heal from this blow, you need to find your anger, which involves serious self-work. You will need to find out why you have buried your feelings. Did your parents do the same? Did your parents go out-of- control when they were mad and did you learn to go to the opposite extreme in order to not risk acting like they did? Are you confused about the difference between feelings and actions? Are you clear that a person can be filled with anger, even wish another dead, and still know that the feelings need not be translated into actions.If a person believes that all feelings must be put into action, then the only safe course of action is to bury the feelings all together. Unless a person is able to feel and choose to not act out, then he/she isn’t safe to feel.As you come to understand why you are blocked in the anger department, you will soon reclaim your feelings. The short-term benefit of finding your anger is that you will feel less devastated by his dumping you. The long-term consequence of your growth is that you will not bite your tongue in your next relationship, nor will you need to choose a partner who does the same.In the future, you will choose a partner who isn’t an anger phobic, you will have open, feelingful talks and resolve your issues before it’s too late. This is the way that you will insure that you never find yourself you being dropped without warning.I know that you don’t feel very lucky right now, but if you can step back and look at what I have seen, you will find that this experience has provided you with a great opportunity for growth, if you have the courage to use it.
