Dear Dr. Love,I am a 31 year old, single, never married, female. I have had many ‘relationships’ over the years, and not one has lasted longer than, approximately, three months. I would guess that the ratio is 60:40, I break up with them. Usually I break up with them because I feel that they are ‘not treating me the way I think I deserve to be treated’. I believe that the reason they don’t treat me as well as I’d like them to is because they don’t like me enough.And from my experiences I’ve learned that sex is not the answer, because that was usually the turning point. Once sex happened, the relationship would end–sometimes even more quickly. I was very promiscuos for a while, I guess I thought that sex would get one of the guys to stick around, only, of course, it never worked because I didn’t want them to stick around just for sex. All of this hurt so much that I decided to take a break from relationships. I haven’t had more than a casual date in the past four and a half years, and I haven’t had sex in at least that long, either.Until about two months ago. I’ve met a really wonderful man. He treats me like gold. I really like him a lot, I think I’m falling in love. I guess what I don’t know is, how do you know when you’re in love? How do you know if it’s the ‘real thing?’I’ve let him know that I don’t plan to have sex until I’m married, and he’s okay with that. I know that he’s not seeing anyone but me. What I’m scared of is that he may have the impression that I’m more innocent than I really am. I don’t want to share all of my previous experiences with him, but as a result, I think he may have the idea that I have far less experience than I really do. I don’t want to be misleading, or dishonest, but I don’t know if it’s important to let him know about these things or not.Am I failing his trust? What it all boils down to is that I’m afraid that if I let him know about my past experience, he won’t like me as much anymore, and I’ll have a repeat of my three month break-up record. Could you possibly give me some direction? I don’t want to screw-up this time.
In answer to your first question are you in love or lust, you will find a full explanation on the differences in my January 21st column. (Use the hyperlinks to past columns. )Regarding your other question, I can completely understand your bind. You think that if you don’t tell all to your boyfriend you will be lying to him or violating his trust. And, if you do tell all, you will send him running for the hills. Rule of thumb. Don’t provide information that isn’t requested. And, second, we only provide information after we determine: 1) why the questioner wants to know; and 2) how the questioner will receive the answer.Keeping that in mind, the first we need to know is: Has your friend asked you to reveal all about your sexual past? If not, then it would be inappropriate to provide information that isn’t requested. If you still feel the urge to tell all, you need to examine your own motives for doing so. Are you feeling guilty, ashamed or like an imposter? Keep in mind that the promiscuity you engaged in is a thing of the past. You aren’t behaving this way anymore and haven’t for almost five years! That old you is dead.Many of us have done things in the past that we aren’t proud of. You need to make peace with what you have done and forgive yourself. I think your wish to open your soul to your boyfriend, shows a craving to be forgiven. But, he isn’t the one to forgive you. You need to forgive yourself. In order to do so, you need to understand that when you went off the deep end sexually, your self-esteem was very low. You didn’t believe that men could like you for you, and figured sex was the only thing you could offer. This drew men into your life who were only interested in using you for sex. Your self-esteem plummeted lower and lower and it was very hard to break this sexual cycle. But you did break it. You are a winner.Keep in mind that calling yourself promiscuous is a very unkind and tells me that you haven’t yet understood that your sexual hunger was a cry for love. A sign of a sick, insecure self. The last thing you needed then or now is to belittle yourself over the sickness you had. Keeping this in mind, if this guy asks you about your sexual past, then you can talk about it, but only with this new-found self–understanding and forgiveness. (If you are O. K. about what happened, he will be less inclined to judge you. )Next, before you give any details about your past, feel him out. Find out why he wants to know. How would he feel if you had no lovers. How would he feel if he knew you had lovers before him. Based upon his responses, you will be guided to know how you can talk to him. I understand that you don’t want to feel like a liar or an imposter with this man, nor do you don’t want to repulse him with overly raw truths.So, the safest approach is to talk to him about your former low self-esteem. Explain that you thought no one would love you for you. And, explain also that men came into your life who tried to use you for sex. (Notice we put the ‘blame’ on the men and focus away from you. This nuance is important. ) And, finally, you can tell him that you decided to stop dating and wait until the right man came along–him. Under no circumstances are you required to tell all, and give him statistics on the number of men you have been with. It is a fallacy to believe that we must reveal everything to our lovers and spouses. Only tell what you think will be helpful to him, you and the relationship, nothing more. Lots of luck. Let me know how you make out.