Dear Dr. Love, I have a question but first I have to tell you the situation. I am very concerned about the future and I keep asking my boyfriend if he is serious or not. I also try to talk to him about the future but every time I bring up certain things relating to that he avoids it and changes the subject.I would really like to know if he wants to be with me one day so I don’t waste my time with someone who doesn’t want to go anywhere.My question is: How do I get him to answer me and talk to me in a serious way? I really need help. I would appreciate it if you helped me out. This is really driving me crazy.Thank You very much!
You keep asking your boyfriend if you have a future. His refusal to answer is his answer. How come you don’t want to see the writing on the wall?His unwillingness to discuss your future may be a sign that he is frightened of commitment and intimacy, but this hardly matters. Even if he is afraid, he owes you an answer. Not responding is a form of mistreatment.The fact that you keep chasing after a man who is unresponsive to you tells me that you have some unfinished business that needs to be addressed right away. Whenever a person finds herself locked into a pattern that she can’t let go of, unfinished childhood business is afoot.If you’ve been reading my columns for a while, you know that all humans unconsciously recreate the traumas of childhood. Then we compulsively and tirelessly work for a resolution to the original hurt. Your chasing after an unresponsive guy feels like you are actually chasing after an unavailable parent.If you can get your boyfriend to come around and love you, then you will feel that you won your parent’s love. But this will never work out for you since your boyfriend is incapable of connection, just the way your parent was. Hence, you find yourself chasing your tail, driving yourself crazy.In order to end this madness, stop focusing on making him answer you and look into yourself. Find out what early trauma you are playing out (was it mom or dad who was so unresponsive to you?) Figure out what kind of treatment you wanted from your parent (declarations of love or more attention?). Then, take a hard look at this guy.Is he likely to give you any more or any better than your parent did?If your honest soul searching tells you that this man can’t give you what you are looking for, then you need to ask yourself, ‘Do I want to spend the rest of my life chasing rainbows?Once you become stronger and healthier, you will feel more able to take decisive action: To either demand that he get individual help, or go to couples counseling with you. If he won’t do either, then you can choose to stay and be miserable, knowing that he will never change on his own, or you can choose to move on.I wish you strength to face this head on. If you need extra help, then by all means do some private counseling with me, or with a therapist in your area.My best to you.You deserve so much more. And, you shouldn’t have to chase and beg to get it.
