Hello Dr. ,I did reconnect with my childhood sweetheart from over 25 years ago. We have gone on a few dates. I agree with your paradigm that we often tend to heal childhood wounds through present relationships.I am a textbook example. I am aware that I only desired a romantic relationship with this ex as one way to heal the broken ties with my now deceased father. The ex lives with a lady. He has expressed that he would like to have an ‘affair’ with me.Of course I declined. I will not be any man’s woman on the side. Plus I try to respect other women’s territory. I wanted to have a closer platonic friendship with him, but he only contacts me every so often, not enough for friendship building. Now I simply want to drop the friendship cold and not be in contact at all.My question to you is how do I just stop returning his infrequent calls and emails and walk away without feeling the need to put closure on our relationship? I would most like to have one last heart to heart with him and mutually agree to end the friendship with no hard feelings.I so need him to know that it hurts me to keep in contact with him because I still hold out hope that we can be together as a couple or as good, close platonic friends. Neither option has or is happening. So do I stop the communication cold or set up one last date for closure’s sake?Thank you for your time.
What a very intelligent letter you’ve written.I understand that this man is truly like your father, with whom you had broken ties. This would explain why it’s so important for you to let this man know how you feel and why. This will be very healing for you since it seems as though you were never able to talk to your father before he died.You sound very grounded and centered when you say that you want to tell him that the relationship with him must end because staying in contact with him hurts you too much, since he can’t offer you what you want (either a relationship as a couple and/or a satisfying friendship).I wonder why you are hesitating to set up the date? Are you afraid that you won’t be able to walk away from him if you meet again? Are you thinking that dropping him cold would be easier for you? Are you afraid to bear your soul to this man who gives you so little? Would this feel like a re-injury for you?When you understand why you hesitate, you will able to move forward. I’m thinking that you may decide to write him a letter, which enables you to say what you want to say while providing you with a bit of distance and insulation.