Hi Dr Jamie,
I’m in a difficult position. I have been with my partner for 7 years. I have never felt that “in love” feeling. I always thought that it would develop over time, but it hasn’t. It is so bad that I kind off feel disgusted when he kisses me or wants to be intimitate with me. I’d rather masturbate than have sex with him.
We got a house and dogs together. Not maried, and no children. Should I break up with him? How do I do it. He is such a good guy and I do love him.
This is a very sad question you’re asking me. Before you focus on the practical questions of should I break up, move out, etc., we need to see much clearer into your heart.
You said that you don’t feel “in love”. Not feeling in love doesn’t fully explain why you feel disgusted by physical intimacy with him. Many people have sexual encounters with people they don’t love and they don’t feel disgusted by the physical contact.
I am wondering if you were sexually molested. I say this because I have had many patients over the years who were molested and consequently feel disgusted by physical contact.
And I wonder if you unconsciously chose someone who you don’t love so that your unconscious would have an excuse to create the cover story (that you’re disgusted because you don’t love him). The cover story protects you from having to face the real story, which is even more painful.
Do you have the courage to get beneath the cover story and find out why you chose to marry someone you don’t love? And why you chose to marry someone who disgusts you physically?
Do you recall being molested as a young girl? Or even as a teen?
Was your first sexual encounter traumatizing?
There is so much to investigate here.
I encourage you to do this inquiry.
You certainly deserve so much more than you are experiencing in life and love.
A Discovery session with me would do wonders for helping you figure out answers to these questions and set you on the path to healing.