Dear Dr. Love,A little over 2yrs. ago I loaned my husband and a business partner about $100,000.00 to get started in a business. His business partner only put in $1,800.00. The business has about 15 employees.I have been promised that I would start to see some payments from the company, but as of yet I have not seen anything and when I say something to my husband the first thing he says, is that women are just not patient. During all of this my credit has been ruined because of making loans to the company and my savings is gone.I no longer work because I’ve started to have epilepsy, I think due to stress of my previous job. My bills are falling behind and my husband thinks that I’m wrong for asking for some of my money.His payroll and his image of not losing this business is all he cares about right now, I think because he does not want to be seen as a failure or not making it to prove to everyone who said that he wouldn’t make it, that he will prevail.Do you think that I’m wrong for asking for some of my money.(Desperate)
I think that you are quite furious with your husband. It is also quite possible that buried rage is causing your brain to misfire. All kinds of physical symptoms can result from buried feelings, especially buried anger.You say that you’re in debt because you gave him all your savings and that because you are now out of work, you can’t pay your bills. You have asked him to pay you back some of the money you gave him and all he does is attack you for being impatient. I’m surprised you haven’t blown a neck vein by now!The reality is you’re being mistreated. Your husband has taken from you, but doesn’t want to give back. Even if he can’t pay back the entire loan, he should be offering to help you out so that your bills are paid and your credit is preserved.What’s wrong with this picture? I suspect that you find yourself in this bind because you have been mistreated since you were a young child. This would explain why you tolerate his misbehavior–abuse is so normal to you that you take it in stride.I’m telling you that you are not to be mistreated any longer. He isn’t allowed to flourish at your expense. Your bills need to be paid and they need to be paid by him. We will consider this payment of your bills as his ongoing payoff of his loan to you.Stop asking him when he’s going to start paying back the loan. Simply put your foot down and tell him what you expect. You will continue to be mistreated until you do this.If he balks, go straight to a marriage counsellor and lay your cards on the table. He will soon discover how unacceptable his behavior is and it will find it difficult to get away with what he’s doing once a third party is on to him.