My wife (21 years) has an illness (CIP)which causes extreme gastrointestinal pain. The disease is effecting every part of her gastro area. She has had the disease for about 10 plus years. We have been to most major hospitals and clinics on the East Coast looking for a cure. (CIP is what they refer to as an ‘orphan disease’. Not enough patients for drug companies to invest $$ for research and medicinne)For the past 2 years you can count the number of times we have had made love on one hand. Sex is the last thing on her mind, and when we do make love I feel guilty. I think she makes she does make love with me it is out of pity/guilt.I don’t enjoy the sex. I know she is hurting physically, and stress is not something her system can handle, so I try my damnest not to put any pressure on her for sex. I know she loves me, but I need the intimacy! My unmeet needs often make me depressed.After researching anti-depression medicinne, I have found one that the side effects may cause a diminishing of ones sex drive. I take the medicine on occasion, especially when I begin to feel depressed and (for a lack of a better word) horny. The medicinne seems to help.Recently, I have been drawn to a woman who is struggling in her own personal relationship. We work together and often travel out of town for days.I am afraid that I may be attracted to her. We seemed to enjoy each others company and we discuss our lives like we used to do with our spouses.I want to make my wife happy. I love her and do not want to hurt her. I need some help in determining which road to travel. The road that may lead to an extramarital affair, or the road that I am currently on, feeling confused, hurt, bitter, and trapped.Is there a pill or surgery that would kill my sexual drive? My wife won’t consider counseling as the disease consumes her energy and her . How can I find a sexual release (without the guilt)? I feel as if there is no answer.By staying on the present road, my marriage stays intact, but I am hurt and lonely. If I stray, it may lead to a divorce, and I DO NOT WANT TO HURT MY WIFE. I am afraid it comes down to my happiness or hers, I wish it could be ours. Help me DB
You are a very selfless guy, selfless to a fault. Yes, I know that your wife is ill, but what about you? You are becoming ill and depressed as well.If your wife wants a relationship with you, then she should be considering your happiness, just as much as you are considering hers. The way it looks to me, she is considering her happiness, you are considering her happiness, and no one is considering yours. What is wrong with this picture?Because your wife is ill, she seems to be very preoccupied with herself, which is understandable. But, where does that leave you? Does she have any sense of how frustrated you are? What does she expect you to do with your sexual needs? What about your need for simple physical contact, hugging, cuddling, etc. ? Have you talked to her? I think that you probably haven’t, in order to spare her any upset. But, again, what about you? Would your wife want you to make such sacrifices for her?Since you have been protecting her from upset, she is probably clueless as to what you are going through. Before you have an affair, talk to her. Open your heart and tell her what you need. She may be in too much pain to have intercourse as often as you’d like, but what about hugging, kissing, snuggling, masturbating you, watching erotic videos together, sharing verbal fantasies, etc. ?If she tells you that she has no energy left over for you, then ask her what she wants you to do? She may actually encourage you to meet your sexual needs outside the marriage. If she isn’t comfortable with that option, then she needs to suggest an alterative. Lying there like a beached whale, submitting to intercourse with you, isn’t a viable option.When you both talk openly, answers should come. Even sick partners have need for physical contact. If she doesn’t, then you two may be dealing with deeper issues, issues that are being concealed by the illness. In other words, she may be using the illness in order to hold you at arm’s length in order to deprive herself or you of closeness. I would seriously examine with her how the illness may be being used by both of you as a smokescreen for deeper personal and marital issues that aren’t being addressed.In your case, the illness may be being used as yet another reason for you to negate yourself. Surely this pattern of self-sacrifice and self-annihilation existed before she became ill.Talk to her and let’s see what turns up and what shakes down.
