Dear Dr. Love:I was eight months pregnant when this man walked into my life and he dated me and told me things that I wanted to hear he even went to Lamaze class with me and into the delivery room with me, but keep in mind this was not his baby and also he was a minister. Well I fell in love with this man and he also said he loved me to.My baby was born March 25, 1996 and he was right there with me through every thing about two months later I found out that this guy was married and had two other girl friends on the side, he promised me that he was not married and that he would let go of the other two relationships, well of course, I believed him, but it only got worse because he would always ask me for money for something and I would always pay for lunch, or dinner whenever we would go out he claimed he never had any money.I found out in April that I was pregnant with this man’s child I told him that I was pregnant and he said he will never see this baby and that he will not claim this baby as his, but between God and me and him we all know that this is his baby. I hate this man for what he has put me through emotionally and the fact that I felt like killing myself at one point because my God this is a minister and he treats me this way then there is no hope for just the regular men.I have decided to raise my baby and give her the best home I can but vow never to let another man in my life to bring such heart ache. Can you help me to understand why people are so cold, especially in my situation this minister who is supposed to be of God. I need your help for me and my daughters.Depression.
My God you have been put through the mill. I am so sorry that you were hurt by this devil parading as God. You asked me to explain how a person can be so cold. This man is what we psychologists call a sociopath. The lay term for his kind is: con artist.As you know, con artists will say and do whatever is required in order to reach their desired end. (This guy’s goal is to build his ego by ‘ rescuing’ damsels in distress. Beneath his love for women is great contempt.) This man, like all sociopaths is without a conscience. And, for that reason, he is more like an animal than a human being. In fact, my dog had a bigger conscience than this man!You said that you don’t ever intend to trust another man, because, if a man of God could have treated you so miserably, you believe that an ordinary man could do far worse. I know you thought that this guy was better than average, being a man of the cloth and all. Is it possible that this man lied about being a minister? If he actually is a man of the cloth, then I’m sure he conned his way into that line of work as well. The fact that you fell for him means: that he is an exceptionally good liar; and that you are a beautiful and trusting person.I know you intend to never let another man near you. But, the day may come when you change your mind. And, we need to make sure that you never get hurt like this again. To protect you, I feel bound to discuss one of the sentences in your letter which sent my flags up: You said that you knew that this man was involved with two other women (but he promised to leave them). Why does this concern me? When a woman invests in a man who is involved with other women, there is a good chance that unfinished childhood business is at work. (I know it is possible that you are simply a trusting woman and believed that this man was as fine a person as you. ) But, for your own sake, please do some self-inquiry and find out if unfinished business made you fall victim to this type of man.What types of childhood traumas could lead a woman into the arms of a man who’s involved with other women? One possibility: If you felt emotionally neglected as a child, you could be drawn to a man who cannot give you what you need. (If, for example, your father gave you no attention, you may have dreamed that, one day, your father would open his heart and treat you like his special, number one girl.) If you were neglected by dad as a child, it would be normal to: be drawn to men that are attached to other women; and to hope, against hope, to win your boyfriend away from other rivals.Another possibility: If you grew up with a parent that broke promises, lied, or took more than he gave, you would be left with a wish to correct these emotional wounds. As an adult, you would likely choose a lover that breaks promises, lies and/or uses you. Secretly, your mind would choose such a lover hoping that he will come through for you, the way your parent never did. But, since we all have creature of habit brains, we are drawn to lovers who are similar to our parents, and therefore, they let us down as our parents did. So, we never receive the happy ending, not as long as we keep choosing carbon copies of our parents.These are only two possibilities, there could be other hidden wounds which led you to trust this man. I urge you to ask yourself the following questions: Did my unconscious mind draw me into this relationship in order to play out a piece of my early life; and, if so, what type of healing or correction might I be dreaming for. It may be painful to examine these questions, but doing so will provide you with the protection you need. By becoming aware of your unconscious wishes and fantasies, you will be less likely to fall victim to con men who are experts at playing on your secret wishes and telling you all the things your heart needs to hear.Remember, self-knowledge spells power. With this new knowledge you will be able to count on yourself for protection rather than hope for safety from self-exile. My best wishes to you for a speedy recovery. And, my prayers are with you to find a man who is healthy enough to devote himself to you alone, and cherish you as you deserve.
