Dear Dr. Love I am a 45 year old female. Divorced and haven’t hada love relationship for 5 years. I have a male friend of 16 years who also hasn’t had a love relationship for maybe 2 or 3 years. The two of us hang out together quite often.Suddenly the talk of sex has worked its way into conversations. I had expressed once that I wanted a love slave and in no way insinuating him.One night during a cribbage game, he wanted to bet me for the win. If he won he gets to look at my bare breasts. At first I thought that was ridiculous, but then I realized how exciting that was. He won. I showed him my breasts, but he asked me if he could touch them, so I did.Eventually our cribbage games became more advanced. Now we are into oral sex and watching him masturbate. We have never had intercourse until a couple weeks ago, but I would only let him do it doggy style because I am not attracted to this guy at all. I couldn’t bring myself to kissing him or caressing him.I am concerned that if the relationship continues like this, he may end up getting hurt. I’m sure he knows that he and I will never be a couple, I have discussed it with him several times, but sometimes I get the feeling that he’s going beyond. Playing this game certainly has relieved those aches for both of us.Is this a healthy thing for two friends to do? Do you have any suggestions?
So you’re having sex doggie style because this guy is too much of a dog for you to face. You have asked me if playing this game is healthy because I think you have doubts yourself.It isn’t my habit to label people as healthy or unhealthy. Rather, I am interested in helping you understand why you have placed yourself in this situation.To figure this out, ask yourself why you want to have sex with someone who you can’t even face during the act. What does this say about where you are coming from (if you’ll excuse the double entendre!). Are you feeling so desperate for sex that having something is better than nothing? What need–other than sexual–is this relationship satisfying?You mentioned that you want a love slave. Are you saying that you want to be in control of your lover? To dominate and demean him?It would be good for you to understand the thoughts and feelings that are tied up with your wanting a love slave. I can only make some guesses. You may feel resentment toward men, and dominating them releases some of your anger. You may feel afraid to be out-of-control in relationship to someone else; and by making the other into your slave, you avoid facing your fear of being vulnerable.The way you’re playing it, you make your partner vulnerable, not you. The urge to dominate and enslave your partner is surely related to your own reluctance to be weak, out-of-control, or dependent on another person.If you ever hope to have a satisfying relationship, then investigate the origin of your urge to dominate a love slave. I see this urge as a wish to dominate feelings inside yourself that you aren’t facing. If you have the courage to face these feelings and work them through, then you have a chance to form a ‘healthy’relationship, which is what I think you are after.You wouldn’t have asked me if what you are doing is healthy if you didn’t know on some level that the relationship is not healthy and that you have some baggage that needs handling.