I have been dating Misty for over 2 years now. We met in the air force, I am 33 she is 29. Last November she cheated on me with an old boyfriend of hers. Told me she was going home to LA for a week, but actually flew to DC and spent the time with Larry.Of course I had concerns because I knew she was talking to Larry on the phone for about a month before she decided to visit ‘home’ without me. She flat-out denied my several queries about her trip and I even asked if she was going to see Larry? After she returned, she was completely different, cold, disconnected. I confronted her that night and told her to fess up and quit lying.After some further denial, she finally admitted to it and we decided that she wanted to move out. She was only gone for a week when she decided she wanted to work things out and we are now back together and dating. For several months she explained that her affair with Larry who is married (separated) was based on ‘unresolved issues’. I told her that I would be willing to work on our relationship when she was ready to explain these ‘unresolved issues’.She finally told me, but I know that she is not being honest. I truly believe that she might be a pathological liar. But I also feel that she may genuinely be willing to work this out and remain committed. She brings up marriage and we have discussed it. She told me that we could only move forward IF I put the whole Larry issue in the past and never bring it up.Well, I still have thoughts about and I can’t talk to her. I knew about her lies before I asked because I checked her e-mail that week while she was gone to DC. Then I read all of the letters that she wrote to Larry for the next 6 weeks after that. That is how I know her explanation of the ‘unresolved issues’ is also a lie.I was emotionally desperate and used that as a tool and a crutch. My guilt is tremendous, but it shed light on the truth and I no longer check up on her. We are living together and ‘trusting’ each other. I am very scared that I may trust her too much; perhaps she is not capable of being 100% honest. I see her telling little fibs, like ‘tell them I am sleeping and I will call them back’ . . . and I wonder, if she can perpetuate these lies like she did with the Larry scenario, she may do it again. . . .Should I just drop the past (like she demands) and do the FRESH START thing, or what? Ahh, I am so scared, because I love her so much. Too much? I don’t know and I really can use some serious advice!THANKS
You have been traumatized by your girlfriend’s deceitful behavior. The reason you aren’t able to let the issue go is partly because you have been traumatized; the way the psyche tries to repair a trauma is through repetition, which includes going over and over the painful event and not letting go of the issue until it’s resolved.You haven’t been able to let the issue go because the issue isn’t resolved, plain and simple. You haven’t heard an honest explanation of what the unresolved issues with Larry are all about and, what’s worse, you have no assurance that she won’t lie to you again.To move forward, you need to tell her the truth: that you don’t trust her and that she needs to convince you why you should. You haven’t had any indication from her that she recognizes her dishonesty. If she isn’t admitting the problem, you know that it will occur again.If she wants you to let the Larry issue go, she needs to own her problem and work on healing it. Then and only then will you be able to move on and drop the issue.You also want to examine why you want to be in a relationship with someone who deceives you and then turns the tables on you and demands that you drop it. That’s a lot of nerve and a formula for further heartache.
