I am an older guy over 60, ready to retire, and married but my marriage is so tough, with no sex, my wife has mild dementia, and I am frustrated. I have met a wonderful woman 30, destiny has brought us together, and we have totally fallen in love with each other, both chemistry and attraction, great intimacy. We both want to be together forever, she wants me to be her fiance. This is for real. I do desire to marry her and be her fiance. I am in confusion here, very much in love. Thoughts, ideas??
What a complicated story. You are obviously a lovely person who cares for his wife and doesn’t want to do her harm.
At the same time, you want to marry your new love.
You are certainly entitled to have a life filled with love and emotional and physical intimacy.
The fact that you are asking me for my thoughts makes me wonder if you are looking for permission to leave your wife.
The first thing I would like you to ask yourself is do you still love your wife? I assume you have ruled out the possibility of reestablishing intimacy, including sexual intimacy, with your wife.
Is your wife in tact enough to talk with you about your discontent? Is she sufficiently intact to make shifts if she knew you wanted to leave?
You must have been unhappy for a very long time. Otherwise, you wouldn’t have been so receptive to another woman.
Would your wife be able to care for herself if you left the marriage?
If she only has mild dementia, she isn’t ready for an institution, but I imagine she also needs some guidance.
Is there another family member, sibling or children who could help out with your wife?
If there is no one else to help your wife, if you decide to leave her, would you be willing to/want to continue helping her?
Would your new love be understanding of your need to help your wife after you leave her?
If I had to guess, I would say you are long passed trying to work it out with your wife. You are in love with someone else and you have said that you want to leave the marriage.
If you do leave your wife, you must do everything in your power to make sure your wife is OK. And your new love has to be on board for this plan. Not taking care of your wife, will consume you with guilt. If your new love objects to your helping your wife, you will come to resent your new partner, which would poison your new relationship.
At this point, you need to talk with your new love. Make sure she is on board with the plan to continue helping your wife. If she is, and you are decided to leave your wife, then you are ready to talk with your wife.
Telling your wife that you want to leave the marriage is going to be a difficult and painful conversation. The focus of the conversation will need to be on reassuring her that you are not abandoning her and will do everything in your power to see that she is taken care of.
Please keep me posted on how all this works out.