I really need your advice seeing as though you can give an objective opinion. My husband and I are newlyweds and have been married for a little over a year. Before we married, we dated for 2 and a half years. Since we first began dating, he has treated me so good. He would do absolutly anything for me and treats me like a queen.The problem is this: now that we’re married, I have began contemplating major issues such as’are we meant to be’. I think that this comes from the fact that I’ve known and heard of couples who get divorced after being married for 25+ years. That scares me and almost makes me think’ well, what’s the use if we could end up like that too’.Another major issue is that it scares me when I think about other men or dream about them. The only man that I really think about that much is a guy that I dated 5 years ago and who was my’high school sweetheart’. Our relationship was full of symbolism (songs, places, initials carved in trees, etc.) and it seemed magical. I don’t want him back-romantically, but I do think that I miss the friendship we once shared and all of those memories are still very vivid in my mind. Because I can still vividly recall those moments, I feel as though I’m cheating my marriage because I can’t as vividly recall all of the’high points’ in mine and my husbands relationship.I have been diagnosed with having depression and I am taking meds for it. For months, about 6 months ago, I was so happy and I got that’in love’ feeling back. Now it seems that those issues I’ve been wondering about are taking me over and I don’t even know how I feel towards my husband and our marriage. I feel sometimes like because I don’t always have that magical feeling, that maybe he’s not’the one’, then other times I feel like I would be a fool to let him go. I do love him and am devistated at the thought of leaving. Then I remember past relationships where I was so sad during the break-up but I always managed to get past that and there was always someone else.The bottomline is that I don’t want to be divorced and my husband and I have had great times and been happy together but I’m scared of the’what if’s’ of marriage. Is this most likely stemming from my depression or is this all a’sign’ that we don’t need to be married? Is this normal for newlyweds? Help Please!
First of all, it is absolutely normal to have doubts about your partner. Humans are filled with ambivalent (mixed) feelings. Love and hate are the flip-side of the same coin. And, no matter how much we love our partners, there are times when we also feel hate for them. This doesn’t mean that we aren’t meant for each other, it simply means that we are human.Likewise, it is also normal to have feelings of sexual attraction for others. Marriage doesn’t make you blind or a eunuch. It is normal to love our mates and still find others attractive.These feelings are only problematic if: 1) a person can’t separate feelings from actions. In other words, if a person feels that he or she must act out every thought or feeling, then feelings become very dangerous.To be a whole, healthy person, one must strive to allow him or herself to experience all the range of emotions–and know that he or she will not act. When this distinction between thoughts, feelings and actions is clear, then one can feel free to love, hate, lust after others, etc.The second reason why a person may have a problem with allowing all his or her thoughts and feelings to reach the light of day is because he or she has an overly harsh superego or conscience. This is your case. You blame, punish and accuse yourself for your lustful thoughts.I am not surprised that you are depressed. Anger that is turned back on the self in the form of self-accusation leads to depression. If you actually work on this issue that I speak of and learn to accept your thoughts and feelings, without resorting to self-blame, you will also do much to cure yourself of the depression you suffer. As you have experienced, the drug that you are taking seems to be less effective. This is because pills cannot alter the type of problem we are discussing. Only you can change this pattern of self-attack.As for your comments about feeling less passion for your husband, this too is normal. After the first six months to a year, most relationships cool-off. The initial passion and excitement mellows to a comfortable, more tame love–the kind of love that you describe for your husband in which you enjoy each other’s company and have good times. This softening of feelings is normal. But, many people don’t know that this mellowing of emotions is normal, and when their feelings diminish or modify, they start to worry that they aren’t right for each other. They may even fantasize about former lovers or imagine having affairs filled with sparks. Some people are actually addicted to the passionate feelings of new love. This is because when a person is first in love, the brain releases chemicals that actually cause a sense of drunken euphoria. And, as we settle into a comfortable long-term love, these chemicals diminish. This normal diminishment of chemicals causes many people to think that something is wrong, that the ir love isn’t real, that their love wasn’t meant to be or that their love can’t last, etc.So, as you can see, all your feelings are normal. Stop blaming yourself. Enjoy your thoughts, feelings and fantasies and chalk them up to being human. Enjoy your life and enjoy your husband.
