Dear Dr. Love,Hi. . . .I’ve been going out with my girlfriend for a little bit over a year now and I’ve been around her family and house for the last 8 months or so. . .The problem is that she feels that she’s not important to me because she is not involved in my family the way that I am with hers. It’s obviously not true that she isn’t important to me because I love her very much. It’s just that I never knew that it meant so much to her that she wanted to be involved in some way. Her place just seems more comfy compared to mine that ‘s why I ‘m there most of the time. She doesn’t take that as an excuse though. She has been over a few times.So what can I do?Thanks. . . Confused
You said twice that you aren’t sure if you love him any more.I have to wonder if you are angry with him over the fact that you’ve had to support him.It seems that you are also not pleased by the fact that you weren’t able to send money to support your mother. And now that he has money coming in he’s sending it to his mother instead of putting the money into your own household.The fact that he’s so generous with his mother is a very good sign. When a man loves his mother he is demonstrating his ability to love women.I think the issue here is that you have hard feelings toward him.The bottom line is this: No matter how much we love one another, conflicts and the angry feelings that go with those conflicts are inevitable in our intimate relationships. If we don’t know how to resolve our conflicts, anger can easily overtake the relationship. Unresolved anger is the no. 1 killer of love.Your unresolved anger is definitely threatening your love for him. I think you’re angry because you haven’t spoken up.In other words, you are allowing him to send half his income to his mother, and you resent it. But you must take responsibility and speak up for yourself.Tell him that you aren’t comfortable with so much money being sent to his mom.Then, you need to talk about your values in terms of how much he thinks should be sacrificed for his mother. You may have a value clash here. We won’t know until you talk.Does he believe that he should go without in order to help her?Once you are clear on where you both stand, then you can talk about a plan that works.I also think you may be feeling hurt that he’s putting his mother ahead of your financial comfort. If that’s so, speak about that too.Talking is the solution to what’s ailing you.When you stop biting your tongue and swallowing your anger, your love should shine through again. Presuming that he’s responsive to you and comes up with a plan that embraces you.Talking is the key.