I’ve been dating my boyfriend for four years and four months, we have had our ups and downs, but we are still together. I am 27 he is 26. I am his first serious girlfriend (in fact I am the only women he has been with) on the other hand I have had plenty of bad relationships. Our education levels are different, I am in at a university pursing a psychology degree he is at a College studying to be commercial photographer.He loves me and I love him, I feel like I am ready to settle down. I want to buy a house or a condo and settle down, but he is not ready, he says we are not financially ready, that we are still finishing school.We both work full time and go to school part time, I make $43K he makes $28K I think we can handle a mortgage together and living together would make things easier for us (He lives 15 miles away) and with such a tight schedule we don’t see each other much. . But he does not want to, this upsets me.I think what he means is that he is not sure he wants to be with be me for the rest of his life yet? But then why not just break up with me and find someone who he is willing to live with or let me find someone who is willing to take the next step.I think that four and half years is long enough to find out whether or not he wants to be with me. Am I being too impatient or does he have a commitment problem?
Your guy says that he thinks that you both aren’t financially ready to settle down. You don’t buy this explanation since your combined incomes are greater than many couples. So, it sounds like he’s using this excuse as a cover for his commitment phobia.Next you shift gears and wonder if you’re the problem–that he doesn’t like you enough to commit to you. I assume you’ve asked him this question point blank and I assume that he’s told you that you aren’t the issue.If you haven’t asked this question, you need to do so. If he says that he is concerned that he isn’t compatible with you in an important area or if he identifies a relationship problem that concerns him, then by all means address and resolve these issues. Let’s assume that he denies that there’s any problem with you or the relationship, then what?You can start by exploring his position about being unwilling to commit until you’re more financially secure. To do so you would ask him, ‘What amount of annual income constitutes financial security in his eyes?’ When he gives you that number, then you would ask him, ‘So when we earn that much money per year, you will be ready to marry me?’Watch what he says. I bet he’ll waffle and backpedal and then you’ve got him! At which point you would say, ‘Why do I have the idea that you will always find another reason not to commit?’ At this point tell him what you told me–that you don’t buy the reason he gives for holding off on marriage, and that you think the real issue is that he fears commitment.Tell him that if he is willing to admit his feelings of fear and work on resolving his problem, that you won’t pressure him to marry you. In a nonpressured atmosphere he should feel safer to come clean about what is really going on inside him rather than devote all his energy to hiding his feelings.If he isn’t willing to talk honestly with you, then go with him to a marriage counsellor. It will be more difficult for him to worm out of an honest discussion in front of third party. The bottom line for you is establishing a bottom line.When you ask me if you are being too impatient you aren’t respecting yourself. If you feel impatient, that ‘s how you feel. Who cares what someone else would feel. That someone else isn’t you and you have to be comfortable in your shoes. You need to decide how long you are willing to wait for this guy.If he’s admitted his issue and is working on it in therapy and you see progress being made, you will probably find it easier to be patient. If, however, he isn’t working on his issue, then you are going to need to establish an end date for yourself, after which you won’t wait any more for him.
