Hello,I am writing to ask for your help. I am a 22 year old male, athletic, hardworking, and attending a computer technical school. I see myself as a nice guy, I never want to hurt a womans feelings, and that usualy gets me into more than I want. For some reason, I seem to attract women who were beaten in there past relationships. I feel I can help them out of their depression.So far this has always happened, but once they feel normal, they seem to not want me as their significant other. I know they would be happer in an abusive, controling relationship, but I just cant do that! Maybe I’m just too nice, or unsure if I want a relationship with someone who seemingly enjoys abuse.The sex is llways GREAT, and this tends to make me fall into lust for these women(later feeling in love with these women after say goodbye)! When I’m in these relationships, I have doubts about them, but when they want to leave, I feel great pain inside me. What do I do?Sincerely:Brused by beaten women!
This is a excellent question. What you are really asking is for me to help you understand why you are drawn to abused women. I will offer a couple possibilities, and you can choose the one that fits.When a person has a rescue fantasy, he or she will feel an almost compulsive need to save people who are suffering and wounded. What can create this desire? One cause is what we psychologists call the Narcissistic Identification. And, what this fancy term means is that if you were abused as a child, you will identify (or relate) to other people who have been abused. And, when you help someone with whom you identify to feel stronger, your unconscious mind feels like you too are actually healing your wounds as well. The problem is, once the victim feels better, she drops you, and instead of your wounds being healed, you will feel abused once again.A low self-esteem can also create the urge to rescue others. By’fixing’ others, the rescuer feels needed and important. But, since the real causes of the low self-esteem aren’t being addressed, the rescuing operations don’t create a permanent improvement in the self-esteem. Plus, each time the rescuer is dumped–when the person that he’s rescued feels better–the rescuer’s self-esteem plummets even lower. So, in the end, the rescuing actually dimishes rather than improves the self-esteem.Once you identify which of the above options fits, then your next step is to consciously choose whether you want to continue rescuing or not. And, before you enter into another relationship with a victim, you will need to ask yourself,’Is this another victim?…and’How will I feel when she dumps me down the road?’ By becoming conscious, before you jump into a relationship, you then have the opportunity to make a choice: to either rescue again, knowing the outcome; or to choose a partner that can love you as opposed to simply need you.Be conscious. That’s your first step.