I’m in my first adult relationship since two years now. My boyfriend i have met, is in my class at college. We love each other a lot, so we say, but the last half year, I haven’t been sure, he’s telling the truth as he is constantly critisizing me on everything I do or say. He doesn’t like any of my friends, especially the gay one. Who he treatens to stay away from me.He’s always being patronizing. He also is very admiring towards other girls, who he thinls are so beautiful. His friends are his no. one proirity. This is really breaking me up quite severe. As I love him so much. ( I lost my virg. to him!)When he is nice, he is really nice and I know he doesn’t like it when he’s horrible to me. He cuddles me and kisses me, afterwards, but most of the time I get really helpless and destructive, when he’s treating me like that.It might be helpful to note that I come from a very loving mom-dad situation. His parents are divorced and his father was abusive. I really don’t want to give up, but I’m afraid this relationship is at its end almost. As I don’t know how to help him, or how long I can survive this myself. Please help.
In order to explain what is happening, I need to give you a brief rundown on how the human identity is formed.All humans become who they are by taking on their parents’ traits. In the first phase of life, the oral phase, the baby introjects the parent. Later, the child incorporates the parent, and even later still, at around age five or so, the child identifies with the parent.My point is that at all phases of human development, the child is patterning himself after the parent. Unfortunately your boyfriend has patterned himself after an abuser. When he says he loves you, I’m sure it’s true. But, when he becomes disappointed or angry with you, he then exhibits his father’s traits ( yells, screams, insults, etc. ) because this is the only model he has to go by. So, what can be done?First, you need to point out to him what is going on. You need to say something like, ‘Are you aware that when you become angry that you mistreat me the way your father did you?’ He needs to first become aware of the fact that he is his father. Awareness is the first step.Once he becomes aware, he will probably be horrified, since he doesn’t approve of the way his father treated him. Then, explain to him that the process of introjection, incorporation and identification happen unconsciously. In other words, he became like his father without being aware of it.What needs to happen next is that he must work on becoming conscious of his impulse to act abusively, before he acts. If he is willing to work with you on this, then he will move to the next step.He must become aware of his angry feelings before he goes into abusive actions. We want to drive a wedge between the feeling and the abusive action. His conscious mind and its capacity for observation is that wedge.To drive a wedge between feeling and action, he must identify the thoughts and feelings that precede his abusive behavior. He must work to recognize the physical cues that accompany his anger. He must notice how his body feels just before he blows (his temples are tight? his chest is in a knot?).When he feels those cues, he is to stop dead in his tracks. If need be, leave the room. Then, he is to talk to himself and say, ‘You cannot behave the way your father did.’ Then, he must consciously make the choice to communicate his angry feelings properly.The way to do this is a bit involved, and I go into all those details in my new book, Till Death Do Us Part (Unless I Kill You First): A Step-by-Step Guide for Resolving Marital Conflict. That book will be available for purchase starting January 15, 2000. Online bookstores are taking advance orders now.Reserve your copy so that you are sure that one is available for you. When you get the book, you will have all the tools you need to teach him how to behave properly, even when he’s burning mad.Good luck.
