Hi Dr love!I’m in need of help and as soon as possible I hope!! The problem is my boyfriend and me too I think. My boyfriend, let’s call him J, he loves cars. He got this garage and everyday he’s in there and taking good care of them. I’m very proud of him, cause he’s really good. I was really excited from the start of our now 4 month relationsship, but lately I’m beginning to get very tired of it.Ok, I accept that that is his hobby, but I have these strong feelings that J got this own list in his head were number one is his cars and number two is me. Just recently J got himself a playstation too, so I think I’m third place now. He doesn’t call me that often as he did before.It’s not only this that is bothering me, it’s his attitude to me. He is NOT the romantic guy, absolutely not! I know that he likes me very much, by his body language but he’s got a hard problem to express it in words. Never heard him say that he thinks I’m sweet or beautiful. He doesn’t ask me if I want to go out with him and his friends. It makes me very sad of course. I know I have to talk with him, because I like him too much to just end this.We live 3 miles away from each other and both of us has a lot to do every weekend, so everytime we see each other we forget the whole world and just have eyes for each other. Help me, cause I can’t stand it anymore. I need to hear sweet words from him. I’m the one of us who sends lovecards, says that I miss him, phone him to just hear his voice. . . I’m the most romantic one of us two.What is the matter with him? Is he shy? Or his just like this of nature? he thougth of that I’m only his sex partner in bed are terrible, but lately I haven’t been able to forget that thought. Hope you will help me soon, I don’t want this to crash, not yet.Lots of love, ‘Yrsula’
Your complaint is a common one…which doesn’t make the facts any less painful, I know.It sounds like you have two problems: First, that your boyfriend doesn’t give you the feeling that you are his number one girl (his hobbies come first). And, second, he isn’t telling you how much he cares.I think that if your friend learns how to communicate his love for you, you probably won’t feel so rejected by his hobbies. That is, if you feel more secure in his love, his hobbies won’t feel like competitors.So, goal one: Let’s see if we can teach him to use his words. (Men simply haven’t been socialized to put their loving feelings into words, and it is up to us women to help them learn how.)Instead of ragging on him for what he isn’t supplying you, have you tried telling him what you need? For example, you could say,’I know you care about me, but girls need frequent reminders that their boyfriends still care about them. I would like you to tell me something loving every day?You may be surprised to learn that: He had no clue what you need. And, that, once he understands, he will be willing to give it to you. (He may need hints on what types of words or phrases would be appropriate for you. You can help him with that.)If, our first step doesn’t work, then we may be dealing with a person who is incapable of a having a relationship. Bottom line, if he wants a relationship, he will struggle to learn how to meet your needs. (Realize that it may take time for him to perfect his verbal skills, but you should see him making an effort, however clumsy.)After you have done what I suggest, please write me back and let me know how he responded.And, by the way, I suggest that you stop chasing him with cards, letters and calls. This doesn’t teach him how to emotionally give to you…it only leaves you feeling more empty and used. So state what you need directly, be a little more cool and let him do some of the work.Good luck.