Dear Dr. Love,Please read my e-mail and HELP me to find an understanding to this for I have tried so whole heartly and have been unable to. I have tried to talk to him (my boyfriend) about this and have told him I ‘m only trying to find understanding about it. It hurts me so deep down inside for I ‘m always here for him.We can make love (and I know he climaxed)then later I find that he also masturbated. I have never denied him sex in anyway. What ever he wants if it be oral, anal, me stroking him or just having intercourse I have always been there for him. I always have to do all the work (get on top for he is to lazy unless it’s anal sex which he seems to really like although I hate it) I know he masturbates almost everyday. It just brakes my heart for I don’t understand (and he knows it hurts me). Not only do I not understand but he won’t talk to me about it.I ‘m only trying to find some understanding to this. We have been together over 2 years. We live right across the street from each other. We are together daily if not nightly. His unspoken words make me feel shameful of myself and undesired. I feel rejected. I ‘m not a beast by any means. I ‘m attractive 140lbs 5 ‘7. I just don’t understand it. CAN YOU PLEASE HELP MY ACHING HEART? I feel it’s all my fault! PLEASE HELP ME!!!
You are so upset because you are interpreting your boyfriend’s photo viewing as proof that he doesn’t truly love you. But, his behavior has nothing to do with loving you or not. In a column a few months ago, I explained that men are biologically programmed to seek sexual variety. This is a built-in mechanism designed to insure the survival of the species. In fact, civilization would have died out long ago if men had not been wired this way (to impregnate as many females as possible. )Because your boyfriend loves only you, he wouldn’t think of cheating on you with other women. Instead, he is trying to satisfy his biological programming by viewing photos of other women. It is because he loves you and only you that he is viewing photos of strangers instead of actually going out and finding real women.Not knowing this, you, like many women, personalize his behavior and assume that something is wrong with you. If you were a better lover or looked prettier, he wouldn’t act this way. But, in fact it is because you are so attractive to him, he wants you and only you, and doesn’t want to stray. But, the poor guy has millions of years of biological programming urging him on.So, please try to not take this harmless activity personally. Or rather, take it very personally, and remember he loves you and only you. Another idea. You can try to bring his need for variety into your relationship, by role-playing scenarios in which you are a stranger, etc. Try to have fun, these fantasies could turn you on in the process.
