I met my husband 3 years ago, but things kept us apart until 16 months ago. He was very attentive and could not wait to be with me, always calling me (sometimes 6 or more times a day), and couldn’t wait to make love to me.We got married 9 months ago and boy things changed the week we got married. He never expresses affection even when I ask him to do certain things like hold me. If I tell him I feel we have problems, he tells me I think too much.He say he loves me, but actions speak louder than words. He says he wouldn’t have married me if he didn’t love me, but he never shows it. He kisses me 1 time a day (when he leaves for work) and our sex live is is terrible. When we have sex which is not often it lasts all of 3 min. (I’m not kidding)On the other hand when he drinks which isn’t often either he shows his affection alot and the sex is great and lasts for a while. He was an only child and was married for 20 years. He is also military and I think that may contribute to his problem.How can I save my marriage and get to to talk to me and show affection? A few weeks ago I told him I wanted to be held for 5 min. a night that it really made me feel good and since then he has held me maybe 4 times.I have tried making the first move in the sex area, but most times I’m rejected. Should I leave him?
What a mess! Your guy sure has some issues to address. The only problem is that his character structure is more like a suit of armor. He is completely defended against his feelings what is going on inside himself.The fact that he can show affection only when he’s under the influence of alcohol and the fact that he can prolong sex during these times says volumes about the nature of his problem. He is absolutely terrified to allow you to be too close to him. When he’s drinking his inhibitions are lowered and this enables him to tolerate more closeness.You are going to need to be firm and describe his behavior before marriage and then describe it afterwards and ask him to discuss what he thinks has caused the change in his behavior. Also describe how different he is when he drinks and ask him what he makes of this.I don’t expect that he is going to be open to this discussion. He is completely crippled by defense mechanisms that enable him to ward off his feelings. These defenses softened temporarily while he was courting you, but they resurfaced in spades right after he hitched you to him.Because his defenses are so massive, the only way that you will be able to break through is to get military with him. You are going to have to be his CO (commanding officer) and lay down the law. Either he goes with you for marriage counseling or you are going to hit the road.If he refuses to get help, then he will have made the decision for you as to whether you will leave or not. I hope that his fear doesn’t prevent him from getting help.