I have been talking with a man over the internet for 3 years now.About 4 months ago I confessed my love for him, and in return he did the same. We recently met, very recently in fact as he arrived in my home town on Dec 30/98 and left on Jan 9/99.Needless to say I have never felt so much for another person in my life. I’m very much in love with him, and want to spend the rest of my life with him.There’s a catch though. He had a relationship online before me, and it ended, or rather just stopped! And the woman who disappeared contacted him a month ago and wants to meet him. He wants to meet her to see how things go with her, as he did with me. This is driving me crazy, as he has put me on the back burner until they meet.He says he loves me and that he loves her and is torn between us and doesn’t know what to do. He says he doesn’t want a relationship with me until he meets the other woman, if he wants a relationship with me at all after he meets her that is.Now what I’m wondering is do I stand for this or put my foot down and tell him he must choose because I need to get on with my life?I don’t want to lose this man as I love him with all of my heart, and want to share my life with him, and have his children. So basically I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a really hard place. Help!!!
No wonder you are tearing your hair out.This guy is treating you like a garment in a department store. He plans to try out his options and then decide which pair of pants he’ll buy. Meanwhile, you have to wait quietly on the rack.What an awful position to be put in.I think that what’s most disturbing is the fact that he declared his love for you, and lead you to believe that he was investing himself in your relationship, when suddenly, a woman from his past reappears and he puts you on hold.I would be asking him: How come he is so willing to risk what he has with you to explore a relationship with someone who already walked on him once before?I would also ask him what his behavior says about his feelings for you? If he’s willing to put you aside to see about this other woman, what is he telling you about his feelings for you? And, what do his words of love mean if he can so easily put you aside? You will also want to know how long he expects you to wait.Does he really think that he will be able to give this other relationship a true test in a matter of a couple of weeks? Or is he expecting you to wait months? And, finally, even if he decides to return to you, how can you trust that he won’t do this disappearing act when some other promising woman from his past reappear?It seems to me that you need to decide whether it is good for your self-esteem to wait around while he makes up his mind.At the same time, you need to think about how he will feel toward you if you wait patiently for him.Will he lose respect for you? Will he think that he can walk on you in the future because you’re more invested in him than he is in you?It seems to me that at this point your hand has been forced. He has already pushed you aside, and, in order to maintain your dignity in your own eyes as well as in his, you need to make a move that retains your self of being in charge.In order to feel more in charge, you might prefer to tell him, ‘Give me a call, when you make up your mind. If I’m still free, then we can see. . . ‘By saying this to him, yo’u treat him with the same casual disregard with which he treats you. If nothing else, he will know how his behavior feels when he’s on the receiving end of it. And, at the same time, you will preserve your sense of self.My best wishes to you. This is a very painful situation.