Dear Dr. Love,I have recently begun exploring a new aspect of my sexuality: a desire to be spanked. I am currently in a committed relationship and have discussed my desires with my significant other. While he does not share my interest, he has been supportive of my exploration of it, and has occasionally spanked me as foreplay to sex.As I’ve explored my need further, I’ve discovered a desire to meet and ‘play’ non sexually, with gentlemen who share my interest. My significant other is adamently against my doing so and has led me to believe that my doing so would seriously compromise our relationship.While I respect his feelings, I believe that if I do not explore this further and instead go on wondering ‘what if’ I will become resentful that he encouraged me to ignore what I now believe to be a very important part of sexuality.As a result I have begun considering engaging in some spanking ‘play’ behind his back. I find myself in what appears to be a no win situation. HELP!!!. . . and when she was bad she was better 🙂
In the early part of your letter you said that you wanted to play ‘nonsexually’ with other men, then, later in the letter you say you feel the need to explore this important part of your ‘sexuality.’I think you know deep-down that being spanked by other men means having sexual encounters with them.I’m not here to pass judgment or tell you what to do. All I am pointing out is that if you act on your yearnings, you will damage your relationship with your significant other and will probably lose that relationship. So, you need to ask yourself: Am I willing to give up my relationship in order to enact my fantasies?Every person who is involved in a commited relationship is filled with all sorts of sexual fantasies that involve other partners and various acts. But, most people choose not to act on these urges in order to maintain their commited relationships. I know you think that following your heart is good, but, if it’s good for you and bad for your mate, then, in the end, it’s bad for you too–that is, if you want to keep the relationship.If you decide to maintain your relationship, then you need not feel resentful. We feel resentful when we believe that we have been forced into doing what we don’t want to do. Can you see that your lover can’t force you not to pursue your fantasies? Only you can choose whether you will or won’t. So, if you freely decide that you don’t want to lose your relationship, then, I’m afraid, you know what your decision must be. And, the decision must be made freely by you; in which case, you won’t be filled with resentment.By the way, there are other ways of exploring aspects of our sexuality without acting out every thought, feeling or fantasy. In other words, you could explore this part of yourself through self-reflection, discussion and private or shared fantasies and/or role-playing. Keep in mind that if we humans were to enact every thought, feeling and fantasy, the human race would be extinct in three days. (If we felt like killing, we’d bump-off every person that got in our way; we would screw every person we felt like doing, so the family as we know it wouldn’t exist; and when relationships become tough or boring, we would move on to ever greener pastures and abandon our families and children, leaving them to wither and starve.) My point being, we don’t need to enact every impulse that comes into our heads. In many cases, acting on impulses can be destructive and dangerous.I think that before you go into action, it would be good for you to explore the following questions: What am I getting out of being spanked? What feelings does a spanking invoke in me? Can I satisfy these emotional needs in another way? How will I feel if I choose not to act out my desires? Why isn’t being spanked by my lover sufficient? Why do I feel that I must be spanked by other men?By the way, the fact that you wish to be spanked by other men, may be telling us something very important about you. When you signed your letter, \When I’m bad I’m better\ were you aware of what you are actually saying? Many women feel guilty about their sexual desires (or their wish to be with many different men), and this guilt is translated into the wish to be punished or spanked for their ‘badness.’ Does this ring a bell for you?I think that you need to do a lot more reflecting before you actually go out there and make your dreams a reality. The key for you is this: keep your pants on, as far as other men are concerned, until you more fully understand what spanking means for you; and until you have made a clear decision on whether you want to maintain your relationship or not.