Dear Dr. Love:I’m 29, single parent I have been seeing a really great guy for two years. It’s an on and off thing. We get along well and respect each other, or so I thought. Lately I’ve been wondering what we are doing and when it’s all going to end, you see, we have made no commitment to each other and I thought that was great and he did too.Even though I don’t want a serious relationship ( i have some issues) i can’t continue to just hang out with this guy. It’s like I’m at the point where enough is enough. But my problem is I have developed a loving affection for him and even now that I told him I don’t wasn’t to see him this way anymore, I honestly still want to.What’s wrong with me that I can’t let go? What’s up with both of us caring on a nonserious relationship for so long?HELP me soon I’m getting weak.
Wow are you conflicted. You said, even though I don’t want a serious relationship (I have some issues) I can’t continue to just hang out with this guy. I hear you saying that you don’t want to continue seeing this man without a commitment and yet you don’t want a commitment.I wonder why you think you need to stop seeing him, since you clearly want to continue seeing him. Who says you need to force a commitment on the relationship. Why can’t you continue this nonserious relationship.The truth is, your issues go even deeper than being conflicted about commitment. You are actually conflicted about whether or not you want to allow someone close to you at all. To get to the bottom of the conflict ask yourself: what am I afraid would happen to me if I continued seeing him in this nonserious relationship? Am I afraid I will grow to care for him more than I can stand? Am I afraid that he will want a commitment? Am I afraid that I will want a commitment?Ask yourself any questions that you can think of that are relevant. Then ask yourself how your fear connects to your childhood. Once you have a clearer understanding of the origin of your fear, I think that you would be wise to join a group therapy. There you will learn to develop intimacy with others.Your fears will begin to vaporize and then you should be more ready to have a serious relationship. Let me know how you do.
