Hi! I have a question, and I’m not sure if I am just being sensitive or if I’m having valid feelings about this. I’ve been seeing this guy for 9 months and everything’s great except one thing: when he greets a female friend, he kisses her on the mouth.I saw him do it about 2 months into the relationship and it really upset me, so I told him and he didn’t understand at all. I tried to explain to him that if I kissed all my male friends on the mouth it would probably bother him and he agreed. So, I thought he got the message.But today we ran into some girl he knew and he kissed her on the mouth again. When he saw that I was upset, he swore that he’d kissed the SIDE of her mouth because he knew that it bothered me. My problem is that I don’t want him to stop because it bothers me; I want him to stop because he understands and agrees with me. I don’t know how to handle this and I need an unbiased opinion. Please help! And thanks!
I can see why you are upset. His behavior is what is called a symbolic communication. When he puts his lips on other women’s mouths, in front of you, he is definately sending you a message. And, you are getting that message loud and clear. You feel hurt, threatened, and so on. Focus on your exact feelings. These are the feelings that his behavior is inducing in you.Next, you need to find out why he wants you to feel this way. In many cases, our partners will induce inside of us the feelings that they can’t stand inside themselves. For example, if I am mad, and don’t want to be mad, I will say or do something to push your buttons, and voila, now you are carrying my anger for me! So, back to your feelings.Are you feeling threatened that he will leave you for another woman? Then we have to assume that he is the one who is scared to be dropped, so he arranges to have you be the one who is scared to be left.See where I’m going with this. He is running a number on you instead of owning up to his own feelings and issues. He needs to own the message he’s sending, and put that message into words.Is he telling you that he wants to keep his options open? Is he saying that he likes to boost his ego by seeing you jealous over him? He said himself that he would feel upset if you did the same, so why does he want you upset with him? Is he mad at you? Is he punishing or torturing you for something? Is he pissed off at another woman, and displacing his anger onto you? Or, is he, as I said above, dumping his unwanted feelings of fear that you would drop him onto you?Keep making him take responsibility for what his behavior is telling you? How you should interpret the message. How he wants you feel about it. Don’t get sidetracked onto trying to squash the kissing behavior. It won’t work. This is because the underlying issue that’s fueling the behavior hasn’t been identified and worked through, which means that the behavior won’t stop.Let me know what you figure out.
