Dear Dr. LoveI was married for 15 years.My ex husband had a very low sex drive. . It made me feel like I wasn’t a woman. My self esteem got as low as it could. . I became depressed and Kept to myself. . Until finally I got up the nerve to Divorce him. . I started dating a man and when we finally took the step and made Love. . It was wonderful . . I actually turned him on and we made Love over and over. . Better and better each time. . No holding back. . Like its suppose to be. .We have been together for 2. 5 years now. . But not physically because he lives quite far away. . He tells me every day how much he loves me and visa versa. . Now lately I have my doubts. I am wondering if I really do love him. . or was it just because he gave my self esteem such a boost. .Am I mistaking something else for Love? I am afraid to date other men because I am so afraid of the same thing happening that happened with my ex husband. I don’t want to make a mistake and marry this man if it really isnt love. Just graditude. I’m mixed up. .
You ask a very good question. While it is true that sexual attraction is a large component of romantic love, as well as the glue that binds a relationship, there is far more to love than simple lust.So, how can you tell if you are in love or lust?First, read my ten tips on Love versus Lust. This list will give you clear guidelines on the similarities and differences between the two. Meanwhile, here are some of the highlights of true romantic love.True love includes a genuine respect for your partner, a desire to spend time together. You will also find that your feelings for each other deepen over time. You share common interests and goals and feel that you want to spend the rest of your lives together. The above list captures some of the features of romantic love. Please read my entire Ten Tips for a thorough understanding.I must add that your request is, I think, aimed at easing your fear that this new boyfriend will treat you like your ex. did. If you are afraid of this happening, then you need to take the fear seriously and do some serious examination. In order to protect yourself from a repeat performance, you need to understand more about what went wrong in your previous marriage and why.You married a man with a low sex drive. Perhaps you only discovered this fact after you were married. But, what is significant is that you tolerated the situation for fifteen years. What you need to find out is why? Did you feel that you didn’t deserve better? Were you afraid that you couldn’t find someone else? In other words, did your low self-esteem chain you to a bad situation?When a person feels badly about herself, she tends to stick with an intolerable situation longer than someone who feels more confident. But, there is something else important that you need to know. One way that people with low self-esteems keep themselves down is by blaming themselves for other people’s limitations or failures.In other words, you blamed yourself (you felt like an unattractive woman) for your husband ‘s low sex-drive and by doing so you hammered your self-esteem into the ground. And, the worse you felt about yourself the harder it was to leave.I think you may be missing the boat when you place your focus on trying to prove to that you and your boyfriend are truly in love. Althought this is an important question, I think it would be more fruitful for you to explore why you believe that this man will turn off to you sexually? Do you believe that you don’t deserve a lover who desires you forever? Do you have some idea that good things can’t last?You need to find out where this feeling come from. Because, unless you do, your unconscious may find a way of fulfilling your prophesy. In other words, if you believe that a man can’t stay sexually interested in you, there are all kinds of ways to make this come true.One way that I can think of is the following scenario. One day he’s too tired for sex. You start worrying that he’s losing interest. You may show that you are upset, which may make him feel guilty and angry.Before you know it, he’s avoiding sex all together so that he won’t have to feel more guilt and anger in the event that he’s too tired. And, low and behold, your unconscious has induced your partner to make you feel unwanted again.So, find out why some part of your mind would want to make you feel unwanted. Are you replaying some piece of your childhood?Next, be aware of how you might induce your partner to play out your expectations. And, finally, watch that you don’t personalize (turn back on your self) issues or behaviors that have nothing to do with you. If you do all of these things, you will be insuring that your love will last forever. Good luck.