I am a divorced man who is involved with a married woman who is in a “dead” marriage. Our relationship is amazing when we are together but toxic and full of mistrust when we are apart because she does not trust me nor I her . This may sound simple but we have gone through a lot together and experienced the highest highs and lowest lows.
But now the bad times outdo the good 5:1
But I am wrestling my head and heart and so scared to walk away because the bad only exists because of our need to be in the shadows .
please help me see clearly
This is a tough situation.
My questions are:
Why is she willing to stay in a dead marriage?
Why is she willing to take only crumbs from you?
And why are you willing to accept being the other man?
You both don’t trust each other and this tells me that you both have Old Scars from your early life. As I always say, our early relationships are the blueprint for our adult relationships.
Who didn’t you trust growing up?
Who didn’t she trust?
Why are both willing to be in a relationship that must survive in the shadows?
You both need to understand much more about yourselves and why you are in this type of entanglement.
You can’t make any clear decisions until you understand yourselves more.
I suggest you read Kiss Your Fights Goodbye. That book will help you to understand the exact Old Scars you are both playing out in this relationship. And the book shows you how to use your relationship to help each other to heal these Old Scars.
As you work together to uncover and heal your mutual Old Scars, your relationship will shift. The possibilities are nearly endless. She may not be interested in healing with you. That in and of itself is a shift. Then you will realize that what you see is what you get and you may decide that you aren’t willing to stick with the situation as it is. Or she may be open to healing with you, in which case, she will be more likely to want to get out of the dead marriage and move forward with you.
Let me know how you progress.