Dear Dr. Love,I have never write to any one like this before. My husband and I have been married for 7 years now. We have two kids 4 and 5. I love my husband but it has got to the point that he does not want to make love to me. He does not even want to kiss me. He will tell me that he loves me but only if I say it first. When we get in to a fight he tells me that I am fat and that in dum. After words he nevers saids that he is SORRY he just goes on like nothing ever happend. I work at nights and he works days so are kids don’t have to go to daycare.Now I have a new job and they want me to work days and nights and he is having a fit. He has asked me who are you seeing at work that makes you want to work all the time. Then we start fighting . I don’t know what to do. PLEASE, PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!!!!
You poor woman. Your husband is depriving you of sex, love and to top it all off, he emotionally abuses you as well. Whenever a woman finds herself in such an abusive relationship, she needs to find a place where people love her. I suggest you join an abused spouse support group. (In a few weeks, I’ll be debuting support groups at my site, and I suggest that you also join one of my groups. But, please don’t wait until my groups start. Find a support group for yourself right away.When you join the group, make sure to explore why you have fallen into such an abusive relationship. As part of the exploration, you will need to examine: Were you abused as a child?; Was your mother abused by your father?; Are you feeling guilty or in need of punishment?; Is your self-esteem very low?; Do you feel powerless and unable to survive without your spouse?.The purpose of this exploration is not to blame yourself–you’ve had quite enough of that–but to make sure that you understand and work-through all the reasons why your mind would place you in such a painful relationship. As you engage in this process, two things will probably happen: either you will change and demand better treatment from your husband; and, in which case, he will either improve his treatment of you, or you will terminate the relationship. (You may also find it helpful to read through my ‘Dr Love’s Ten Tips’ in which I suggest strategies for protecting yourself from an abusive mate.)For now, don’t worry about making any life changes. Just go to a group and start talking and exploring. Take care of yourself. And, after you have started a support group, let me know how you are doing. I’ll keep you posted so that you know when the support groups begin at my site. Above all, make sure that you surround yourself with loving people who can insulate you from this monster that you are living with.