Hi, I am a 17 year old male and i have been having SM fantasies ever since I was seven. I am capable of enjoying regular sex but i greatly prefer BDSM. I play the dominant role in this type of encounter. Some say that partners switch roles from time to time but i would hate to be submissive. Anyway, I was wondering whether or not I was born with this sexuality or if it was created by some past experience.
The types of relationships we form as adults, including the sexual relationships we establish, are directly related to our earliest experiences with mom and dad. If our first relationships were loving, then we seek out loving and mutual adult sexual relationships.But, what if our first relationships were less than ideal?If you have been reading my column for a while, you know that our unconscious minds use adult relationships as a forum for healing what went awry in our first families.So, what type of early experiences could make a person feel the need to dominate another person sexually–and hate the idea of being submissive?There are two possible reasons why you feel the need to dominate: 1) You felt dominated as a child and you need to discharge the feelings associated with being dominated; 2) You are afraid of feeling dependent or submissive.Let’s talk about the first possibility. When a person is excessively dominated as a child, he or she is forced to bury the feelings associated with being dominated–hurt, anger, impotence, etc. Obviously, the dominated child cannot verbalize his or her true feelings, for fear of being even more mistreated. When feelings are buried, they don’t disappear, they live on for decades, waiting for an opportunity to be released.One way of discharging the feelings associated with having been dominated, is to play the role of the dominator. As you dominate another person, you gain mastery over the feelings attached to having been dominated. As you dominate your sex partner and watch him or her play the submissive role, your mind actually deposits onto your sex partner all the feelings associated with having been dominated and mistreated as a kid. Projection is the technical term to describe the process of depositing unwanted feelings onto another person. When we project unwanted feelings onto another, the goal is to feel emotionally cleansed and released.The second possible reason why you need to dominate can be due to an underlying terror at the idea of being passive or submissive. Every human being has a secret wish to be helpless, taken care of, etc. But, some of us are especially terrified by these wishes. By making someone else play the submissive role, you can also project onto the other person all the feelings that you hate the most–being passive and submissive. Realize that what we hate the most is what we secretly desire. Example, the vigilante that hates prostitutes, secretly yearns for them.I hope that my response answers your astute question.
