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Advise

<p>I am single, 22 &amp; know this guy Jin (22) as he is my dad's friend's son. We visit each others' places often in family meetings etc. and our families are quite informal and close. He has signaled a few times earlier that he is interested in me. I like him a lot but haven't reciprocated. Last week, my parents were outta city &amp; Jin was at my place. After dinner, I somehow lost my control and had sex with him the whole night. Since then, I've been feeling very depressed &amp; highly embarrassed about it. This is primarily because I lost my virginity to him &amp; I couldn't stop myself because it was highly enjoyable.<br />
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Now, I don't know what to do. He wants me to meet him but I'm unable to face him due to embarrassment &amp; guilt as I spent the whole night with him &amp; it was all consensual. But the family context is driving me nuts. I'm unable to get him out of my mind &amp; concentrate on anything.<br />
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What should I do?</p>

Answer: 

It sounds to me like his Mum isn’t the problem here. You said yourself that his Mum considered it normal enough and approved of you as her daughter-in law!

You don’t need to say anything to his mother. She’s not asking you for an explanation, so you don’t need to speak about the incident.

The real problem here lies with YOU. You clearly have mixed feelings about whether you want to be sexually intimate with another person. And you are also apparently conflicted about whether or not you want to have a long-term relationship.

What you want to do is become clearer on your own feelings of ambivalence. Why do you say that sex and romance are over-hyped.

The fact is, our attitudes about love, sex, romance, intimacy, commitment and relationships are formed during childhood. We form our attitudes based upon what we observe and emotionally experience during our formative years.

Reflect on your parent’s relationship. Something happened to make you so jaded and conflicted. The possibilities are nearly infinite. You could have watched your parents mistreat each other. Or maybe they were unfaithful to each other? If your Mum or Dad were, indeed, cheated on, they would have developed a bitter attitude about sex and romance. Or perhaps you watched both parents cheat on each other and you developed the bitter attitude all by yourself.

I’ll be interested to hear what your reflections uncover. I encourage you to do this soul searching. If you don’t get to the bottom of your own ambivalence and resolve it, you will find it hard to form a lasting relationship.

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