Kiss Your Fights Good-bye: Dr. Love's 10 Simple Steps for Cooling Conflict and Rekindling Your Relationship

"Dr. Turndorf has relationships figured out. If you want a great relationship, you must read her book and follow her 10-step method for lasting love."

-- Jack Canfield
Author of the Chicken Soup for the Soul book empire and The Secret

 

Exciting news...

Dr. Turndorf's new Hay House book Kiss Your Fights Good-bye: Dr. Love's 10 Simple Steps for Cooling Conflict and Rekindling Your Relationship is now available.

Click HERE to order on Amazon.
Click HERE to order on Barnes and Noble.

More about Kiss Your Fights Good-bye:

Heated fighting triggers a biochemical imbalance in men that causes them to flee from conflict. The technical name for this is the Demand/ Withdraw Negative Escalation Cycle, also known as “husband withdrawal.” This is the number one cause of marital and relationship strife, divorce, and domestic violence. Dr. Jamie Turndorf’s techniques, based on 30 years of research out of her Center for Emotional Communication, transform conflict into connection for a lifetime of lasting love.

Even if you’re locked in battle and have been for years, your relationship can change. Beginning with simple Cool-Down steps, you’ll learn why husband withdrawal occurs and then how to use Climate Control strategies to reset the relationship. Women will discover the real reason why men never seem to listen—it’s nothing personal—and the secret trick that actually makes them want to listen and stick around to settle disputes.

Dr. Turndorf’s proven conflict-resolution method interrupts the cycle of fighting for the majority of couples, and can also be used to defuse disagreements among friends and family members.

Praise for Kiss Your Fights Good-bye:

Kissed My Fights Goodbye!

Reviewer: Wendy

I highly recommend this book but before I say why I must share that for the past five years I have been and continue to be a participant in group therapy lead by Dr. Jamie Turndorf. The skill, depth and humor with which she leads her group sessions is no less present in her writing. "Kiss Your Fights Goodbye" is crucial reading for anyone seeking greater understanding and happiness in the murky, volatile domain of human relations. While the insights in this book pertain mainly to romantic or marital relationships, what she's written here speaks just as well to the many different forms relationships take. In essence, Dr. Turndorf's book provides extremely valuable information and training on how to relate successfully with other human beings. I speak from experience when I say that in practice "Kiss Your Fights Goodbye" really has helped me to kiss my fights goodbye.

Advice that Will Help You the First Day You Read this Book

Reviewer: Rebecca Review

"Once you've learned how to train our brain to fight for you, not against you, you're almost ready to sign a permanent peace treaty with your partner." ~ pg. 115

A lot of marriage books indicate that fighting will lead you to divorce and we can see it is true by the divorce rate. In "Kiss Your Fights Goodbye," Dr. Jamie Turndorf explains the ins and outs of conflict resolution so you can stop fighting and get your basic needs met.

I think this book will be especially appreciated by women since it seems women are often angry at their men. In fact I've come to believe (even before reading this book), that women are much more powerful than they know they are. This book explains how a woman's actions can cause a man to shut down and withdraw. Exactly the opposite of what most women want when they are dying to connect with their man. By reading this book you will learn how to talk to a man to prevent the conflict from happening in the first place.

What is interesting from a psychological perspective is how we try to heal our childhood wounds through repetitive fights. If you find you are fighting about the same thing all the time Dr. Jamie Turndorf believes you should try to understand what childhood trauma is causing the problem.

The most helpful part of the book is the section on effective listening skills. This really does solve a lot of problems and is well worth the price of the book.

I'm of the opinion that the advice in this book will help you the first day you read it. That is how good the advice is. However I still believe that the underlying problem of most troubled marriages is selfishness. By becoming a more loving and supportive person who is more spiritual you can address some of your needs (some can be met by God's love for you) and feel more secure (God cares about how you feel). Once you have a relationship with God you will react to your partner differently. This is why I believe one person can save a marriage.

So read this book but also consider the deeper issues.

Keep it Simple Sweetheart!

Reviewer: Susan Byers

This is a wonderful book. Dr. Jamie Turndorf has distilled potent information from both cutting edge biochemical and brain research perspectives, and well-respected theories of relationship and communication and written a fast-paced, clear guide for anyone wishing to improve the way they relate to others. The information is doubly useful with significant others/spouses, but when applied with some thoughtfulness and humility, will improve relationships at work, with children, and frankly with everyone you might have an occasion to argue with. It is structured so that you develop a clear understanding of what happens during conflict, and straight-forward, real-world solutions to falling into the same old patterns that create and maintain dysfunction. My husband and I found Dr. John Gottman's The Science of Trust extremely useful, but it is a difficult book to go through. Kiss Your Fights Good-bye is a highly accessible read, and the potential benefits are profound and permanent. You don't have to buy into anything but the idea that you really can choose to give up misery and fighting in your most important relationships!

Solving Communication Problems in Your Relationship

Reviewer: William L. Brown

When I agreed to review this book, I was hoping to find something to help a young friend who has been married for three years and is facing serious communication problems with his spouse. The author of the book appeared to have good credentials: three decades of working as a marriage counselor, with appearances on numerous TV shows as “Dr. Love,” and as the “go-to” relationship expert on CNN, CBS, FOX, VH1, WebMD, and MSNBC.

Having read the book from cover to cover, I believe that this is the best resource I have found for offering sound advice to couples with communication issues. (Previously, I have read several books by prominent marriage counselors on this topic; their works were good, but not as practical as this one.)

Dr. Turndorf offers ten “simple steps to cooling conflicts and rekindling your relationship.” Depending on the depth of the problem experienced by a given couple, the steps may be simple for some but can be overwhelming for a couple with serious relationship issues.

The first two steps are: (1) understanding the chemistry of fighting and (2) identifying and rating the conflicts on the” Fighting Richter Scale.” Generally, with most couples, the female is the more verbally adept and, when disagreements occur, the male is prone to display the “fight or flight” response. Sadly, the “fight” reaction can lead to domestic violence. The “flight” approach, also known as “husband withdrawal,” is biologically rooted in the male role as hunter. When the male was pursuing a saber tooth tiger, for example, if the tiger attacked the hunter had to be prepared to fight to the death or take an evasive route, so he could live to return another day to try again.

This “fight or flight” response is triggered by the autonomic nervous system (ANS), and is generally beyond the individual’s ability to control. Since the husband is unlikely to want to beat up his wife, the remaining option is to flee to a safe corner (perhaps the basement). The ANS reaction effectively shuts down the cognitive functions, leaving the victim without the ability to reason logically about the situation. Since quick reactions, without taking time to consider the options, are protective when hunting fierce predators, this has proved to be a survival mechanism that has been carried down through the ages.

The major focus of the book is to prepare the reader to diagnose communications issues and learn how to cope with them in a positive, problem-solving way. Although my wife and I are in our 52nd year of a happy marriage, I still found several useful tips for reducing stress in our marriage. Stress-reduction is one of the major approaches to survival and longevity of a relationship.

Here are some examples of the advice Dr. Love offers in the book:

1. How to know if an issue is important enough not to drop. Rule of thumb: deal with the issue promptly or let it go. If you decide to drop it, make sure you are not simply avoiding it or burying it in a shallow grave, ready to dig up again when needed to “win” another battle.

2. There are several “relationship laws” that are inviolable and critical to a successful marriage. Irresponsible spending habits, refusal to share household chores, and unresolved parenting issues must be dealt with and resolved. Failure to do so can lead ultimately to separation or divorce.

3. Clashes in values are especially difficult to resolve. Values are an integral part of a person’s personality and cannot be negotiated away. Ask yourself if you really want to go to war over your spouse’s value-laden habit. Listen to each other and try to either agree to disagree (amicably) or else find a win-win solution where both of you can respect each other’s values without fighting over them

I strongly advise that any couple facing unresolved communications issues should read this book and apply the author’s recommendations for overcoming the differences. The author provides practical advice for diagnosing problems and working to resolve them. If you want your relationship to survive and thrive, you owe it to yourself and your partner to give these recommendations a fair try.

Bye Bye Fights

Reviewer: Gwynne Montgomery

I was not financially compensated for this post. I received the book from Hay House for review purposes. The opinions are completely my own based on my experience. This review is based on the Kindle version of the book.

What do you get when you pair a socially awkward 30-something woman who has a touch of Asperger’s with a 20-something man who has a touch of Bipolar and BPD?

My marriage.

We fight. Horribly, horribly fight. Some of the worst fights I’ve ever had in my entire life were during this marriage. In fact, ALL of the worst fights I’ve had my entire life were during this marriage. And I was previously married for almost seven years. So yeah, we fight.

But we can’t seem to let go of each other, either. Not for lack of screaming at each other, demanding/threatening divorce, and various other tactics that fail miserably every time.

So considering this, I was excited to see this book, Kiss Your Fights Goodbye, by Dr. Jamie Turndorf. If there was ever any hope of us learning to not fight all the time, maybe this book could open my eyes to it.

And it’s working, slowly, in a way that I do see a bit more hope than I did before reading this book. But more than that, the conflict resolution and communication skills presented in this book are helping not just in my marriage, but in relationships at work. Socially awkward in the work place makes for some very difficult times!

The biggest shift that occurred for me after reading this book was awareness of my own reactions, and why I react that way. Through that awareness, I’m able to start responding in a less reactive manner, helping to keep the fights from escalating as much. It’s this awareness, more than anything, that has helped me gradually begin to shift the tone of our conversations, so that instead of turning into screaming matches and a battle of the wills, it becomes a more meaningful and productive conversation. Just in the weeks since receiving this book, the tactics have made a worlds of difference for us, and I’m glad I had the opportunity to review it.Reviewer: modestalmond

This book is a must for everyone who wishes to have a harmonious and long-lasting, loving relationship. Dr.Turndorf's book was so simple to read and the steps are very clear. It is a beautifully written book and everyone can benefit from it. Dr.Turndorf understands relationships and her book is the solution to achieve relationship bliss now. A jewel of a book!

Cogent, Clear and Useful

Reviewer: C. Damon

With Kiss Your Fights Good-bye, Jamie Turndorf has crafted an enormously useful guide to getting beyond arguing, which is the bane (and often fatal bullet) of relationships. It's always been a mystery to me why the people we care about most deeply are the ones we fight with most furiously, but that seems to be how we are made. In this easy-to-read book, Turndorf clearly and comprehensively explains why fighting happens and how to replace it with harmony and understanding. If you're not sophisticated about relationship dynamics or effective communication strategies, this book is a great place to begin. You'll come out with a host of 'actionable' approaches to getting out of the graveyard of fighting. If you've already read a lot of relationship books and know the ropes and rules, you'll still find value in these pages.There'll be places where you recognize yourself or your partner, and other places where you go, "Good idea! Yes, I'll try that." I'll be using it as a foundation for dialogue with my partner.

Someone once wrote that "The chains of marriage weigh so heavy that it takes two to carry them, sometimes three." Kiss Your Fights Good-Bye offers proven methods for throwing off those chains. And strengthening your relationship in the process.

A Real Path to Relationship Healing

Reviewer: Brent Robison "Author and Editor"

I'm sure that if Dr. Jamie Turndorf wanted to, she could write a dense, academic tome about the psychology of marital conflict. After all, her Psychology PhD dissertation is entitled "Negative Affect Communication Deficits and the Demand/Withdraw Negative Escalation Cycle: A Psycho-Physiological Causal Pathway Model." Yikes!

Lucky for us, that is not what she does in her books. In Kiss Your Fights Goodbye, she shows once again her gift for simple, practical (and even funny!) communication. This is a book full of clearly-explained solutions to universal relationship problems, a how-to manual that empowers average readers to take charge of their own happiness. But her chapters are not fluffy, empty, "5 easy steps." They are based solidly on scientific theory and clinical studies, as evidenced by the hefty bibliography.

Kiss Your Fights Goodbye is aimed first at women, and for good reason: the woman is the most relationship-focused member in the large majority of couples. However, as a male reader, I can testify that this book is absolutely beneficial to men as well. There is no reason for it to be limited to heterosexual relationships either. The principles apply to whatever form of intimate relationship you may be in.

There are two of Dr. Turndorf's precepts in particular that I found to be the most important tools for me (you would likely choose others). First, the hard-wired male chemistry of fight-or-flight, otherwise known as ANS (Autonomic Nervous System) arousal, results in a sort of mental shutdown in the face of a perceived attack by a mate. I know it happens; I've experienced it. And as long as I am aware of that completely normal reaction, I can observe myself going there, and I can do my best to push past it into listening and relating.

Second, perhaps my favorite, is what she calls Old Scars. This one is not gender-specific. It refers to the emotional wounds each of us still carries from childhood, and how our subconscious tries over and over again to heal those wounds through our current relationships. Trouble is, without awareness of this dynamic, those attempts to heal are doomed to fail because they are accompanied by the same old behavior patterns. It is crucially important to recognize your own old scars and discuss them with your partner, in order to escape the destructive, repetitive dance.

Finally, I like the no-nonsense way that Dr. Turndorf puts the reins in the hands of her readers. Kiss Your Fights Goodbye offers a real path to relationship healing, but it doesn't occur by magic; it takes alert awareness and diligent effort. I'll let this quote from the final chapter sum it up:

"You can continue to do what you've been doing or you can do what works. The choice is yours."

A Must Read for Everyone - In a Relationship or Single

Reviewer: Dog Lover

"Kiss Your Fights Good-bye" is a definite must-read for everyone! I highly recommend it! Whether you are in a relationship or not, this book helps you identify patterns within yourself that may be holding you back from having the best relationship possible – step by step advice that is easy to understand and put into practice. For some time now, Dr. Turndorf a.k.a Dr. Love has been my "Go-To" person for advice concerning my relationships via her website or radio shows. Now, with “Kiss Your Fights Good-Bye”, I have even deeper access to her incredibly insightful advice. When it comes to love and relationships, there is no one else I trust more than Dr. Turndorf. Her advice is clear and thorough. In the book, Dr. Love identifies the old scars from our past that keep us from connecting and/or relating in beneficial ways with our lovers. For me, the book was a huge eye-opener. I could relate with some old scars and patterns of behaving that I know keep me from having the best relationship possible. After reading her book, I have started to put her step-by-step plan in place and am seeing great results in my current relationship. We are having less arguments now and instead, are communicating. What is also great about her book is the ability to identify the scars your partner may have. Once you do, Dr. Love gives you tips on how to best communicate with your partner based on this information. For me, this book has been a huge blessing. If you want to have the best relationship possible with your partner or future partner, get this book. Keep it as part of your love arsenal and use it to improve how you relate. I know you will be extremely grateful. Dr. Love, thank you!!

A Must Read for Couples

Reviewer: Mz. Morgaine "Lazy Gardner"

So many of my friends and clients, myself included, seem to end up in arguments that are a loop...going nowhere. It was with the question of how to break the loop that I selected Turndorf's book to review for Hayhouse. Like a breathe of fresh air, I saw instantly saw myself in the role described for men. When it comes to how our autonomic nervous systems work during disagreements, my husband and I switch roles. Page after page I read about myself and my behavior. Our habitual, unconscious reactions create what I call "the loop." After the first few chapters I felt I had gained the insight I wanted even though topics such as negotiating contracts are included. Many of the arguments mentioned in the book are far worse than anything I have experienced. It's a quick read with potentially life-changing suggestions.

Brilliant

Reviewer: Andy Nieradko

Dr. Jamie Turndorf has written a fascinating guide to improving your relationship. Her sense of humor, and candor, also make this a refreshing look at a well worn subject. There are many concepts in this book that have never occurred to me. This book isn't just relationship advice with solutions offered, it gets into biochemical as well as psychological reasons a man and woman can love each other devotedly, yet still battle it out in the heat of the moment. Frankly, there were some examples offered that I was glad to have read about rather than experienced personally. Whether you're newly engaged, or been a couple for years there is a lot of wisdom you can take away from Kiss Your Fights Goodbye. I was not financially compensated for this post. I received the book from Hay House for review purposes. The opinions are completely my own based on my experience.

Love for Dr. Love and Her Wisdom

Reviewer: Candice Ruffalo

I love this book. It just makes sense when Dr. Love says it. Reading this book is like holding her in your hands and having her speak to you directly in a way that's loving, supportive, clear, and no-nonsense. Every chapter leads you right into the next. It reads so fluidly that you'll find you're half way through the book before you know it. Then you'll have to finish it! Whether or not you think you can benefit from her wisdom, you certainly can and will. What Jamie Turndorf offers is the MOST important information you'll ever need. Because LOVE is the most important thing we do while we're here on this journey and Dr. Love is your guide.

Maximum help with conflict resolution!

Reviewer: Roger J. P

I just finished devouring this book. Absolutely great stuff. This is the help I needed twenty years ago. Duh! Now I get it! My marriage of 30 years is over BUT maybe this can help me save a one year old relationship that has foundered due to my lack of "conflict resolution" skills. I'm going to re-read this book then do my best to apply what I've learned. (Then I'll read it again).

Learned So Much

Reviewer: MMF (New York)

I read this book after a break up and wished I would have known about it while I was in the relationship. It taught me so much about how terribly both me and my boyfriend at the time were communicating with each other and especially how much over analyzing I was doing. But all my future relationships did benefit from it. It definitely taught me to relax a lot more in relationships. The over analyzing was killing my relationships.

You Don't Need to Be Having Issues to Pick Up This Book

Reviewer: Erik

Dr. Love's latest book is complete fun. It is informative and instructional without being overwhelming to the reader. The best part for me and my wife was that it gave us the same 'language' to communicate with. So instead of "hearing your spouse" you also "understand your spouse". Think of this book in this way: if you exercise on a routine basis and eat well, you are conditioning yourself to have a healthy body that lasts into your golden years with fewer health concerns. And when you do this, you learn to recognize signs and symptoms that crop up (sore this, achy that) and become more proactive about rehabilitating the affected areas so you can return to what you love doing. Similarly, your mind is a muscle that most of us rarely use to it's potential. Too often, people wake up too late and react to something that happened that was potentially fully avoidable.
Save yourself the hassle - get this book, read it with your significant other, and communicate before you detonate. Then share it with all your friends!

A Book to Treasure

Reviewer: William Hammond

I admit, at first I was not inclined to buy this book. For 34 years I was happily married to a wonderful woman. During those years we were more inclined to kiss each other hello than kiss our fights good-bye. But I relented, primarily because I am a great fan of Dr. Turndorf's writing. And I'm glad I did relent and purchase the book. As she does vernally on her syndicated radio talk show, Dr. Turndorf writes in an easy, comfortable and witty syle as she dispenses insights on why couples fight (first on the list: unmet needs) and advice on what you as a couple can do to cool your jets and re-kindle the love and passion that brough you together in the first place. In fact, her wise counsel applies to all relationships, not just to marriages, and the steps she profiles to bring us back to peace and harmony with each other are ones that people of all ages should closely heed. I highly recommend this book.

Dr. Love's method works!

Reviewer: Emilie K. (New Jersey)

I love this book. Even though it's written for couples, I am living proof that Dr. Turndorf's conflict resolution techniques improve any kind of relationship. Now I get along with my daughter! This book is packed with humorous anecdotes and case examples. It's a fun read even if you don't have relationship conflict.

Behavior Modification for Women!

Reviewer: Thessy O

This is a must read for all women in relationships. The author gives us a blueprint on how to behave with our partners. Many women believe in confronting the situation. I did until I read this book. This only drives the men away. Women need to be friends with their men, reducing conflicts and fighting situations. Control the outbursts and you'll have him around. Very helpful to me.

Rekindling Your Relationship

Reviewer: Khamneithang Vaiphei

Kiss Your Fights Good-bye: Dr. Love's 10 Simple Steps to Cooling Conflict and Rekindling Your Relationship by Dr. Jamie Turndorf is a book designed primarily to help husbands and wives resolve chronic fighting, but others in any type of relationship will also find the book relevant and useful.

Dr. Jamie Turndorf has crafted ten witty and insightful chapters, including Understanding the Chemistry of Fighting, The Relationship Battleground: Identifying and Rating your Conflicts, The No-Fly (Off the Handle) Zone: Eliminating Fight Traps and Faulty Conflict-Resolution Tactics, Battle of the Bulge: The Sex Wars, and The Peace Treaty: How to Negotiate a Contract.

One reason why couples inevitably fall into fighting is because of unmet needs. Anger is the psyche’s alarm signal. Angry feelings are the natural by-products of frustrated needs. Anger is also an emotional smoke-screen that conceals the more vulnerable feelings of hurt, sadness and fear. According to the author, conflict resolution depends largely on the way in which negotiation is initiated and overseen. She has outlined the ideal and less-than-ideal ways to begin a discussion. Dr. Jamie Turndorf argues that relationship must be fed its own essential nutrients constantly. A starving relationship cannot survive.

Kiss Your Fights Good-bye is a path-breaking book that will help restore relationships to its original “first-love” and prevent destructive intrusions in the future. In a world teeming with circumstantial widows and widowers, it is timely and should help many couples sort out their differences with the help of the book.

If You Take Only One Thing Away From this Gem of a Book...

Reviewer: Michael Hallisey

Dr. Jamie Turndorf (aka "Dr. Love") has written a wonderful resource for those who want to kiss their fights goodbye and/or for those interested in why the fighting reflex in relationships is so tough to break.

Writing primarily from a CBT (cognitive-behavioral therapy) approach, Dr. Turndorf is eclectic enough to encourage a psychoanalytic angle if necessary (sometimes the reasons why a person chooses to fight and how that person fights are rooted in the long ago past). (I say "eclectic" in that she does not seem wedded (yes, pun intended) to any one particular psychodynamic theory.)

Dr. Turndorf spends the first 7 (of 10 chapters) dealing with dialing down the fighting and the final 3 chapters in keeping the fighting at bay. My intial reaction was, "So much on fighting? I thought this book was about not fighting?" But when you think about it this makes sense and the reason why it makes sense is "fight habituation."

"Fight habituation" is a concept that says people get so used to fighting that a) fighting becomes the new "normal" and b) fighting becomes the new "safe." Until you are exposed to the psychology behind "fight habituation," this seems like a ridiculous notion: surely people would not prefer fighting to not fighting. But the plain truth is that once fighting becomes habit, it is preferable to not fighting: people fear change, even if it means prolonging unhealthy behavior. In other words, the "present known" is better than the "future unknown."

Any quibble I might have with the book (and there were a few) does nothing to hurt my rating of it: 5 solid stars. Even if you think this book doesn't apply (to your own situation), take a chance on it. At a minimum, it is an excellent primer on a number of facets of human behavior. You might also gain some insight into some of the ploys used by folks you interact with.

Keep it Simple Sweetheart!

Reviewer: Susan Byers

This is a wonderful book. Dr. Jamie Turndorf has distilled potent information from both cutting edge biochemical and brain research perspectives, and well-respected theories of relationship and communication and written a fast-paced, clear guide for anyone wishing to improve the way they relate to others. The information is doubly useful with significant others/spouses, but when applied with some thoughtfulness and humility, will improve relationships at work, with children, and frankly with everyone you might have an occasion to argue with. It is structured so that you develop a clear understanding of what happens during conflict, and straight-forward, real-world solutions to falling into the same old patterns that create and maintain dysfunction. My husband and I found Dr. John Gottman's The Science of Trust extremely useful, but it is a difficult book to go through. Kiss Your Fights Good-bye is a highly accessible read, and the potential benefits are profound and permanent. You don't have to buy into anything but the idea that you really can choose to give up misery and fighting in your most important relationships!

Instruction Manual for Relationships - great for guys!

Reviewer: Just Me

I'm a woman, which means I've read lots of books on relationships. Of all of them, this is the best one for guys. It is written in a straight forward manner that most men would appreciate and the information is truly helpful. It tells you what to DO. Not a touchy-feely book, but it still addresses emotions, because what is a relationship without emotions. But this is not about drowning in emotions, it's about what to do, or not do, to have a happy and contented relationship with little negative drama.


The "program" is straightforward and easy to follow. It has great insight into what causes problems and how to resolve them. It's a nuts & bolts type of book, offering what you need to know, without fluff. Solid.

Much of the book is concerned with the fact that men, especially, tend to enter ANS (autonomic nervous system) arousal when in conflict, and this makes it difficult for them to relate to the other person at that time. This is key, and points the way toward successfully handling conflict. The info on couple types is great -- traditional, separates, independent, or mixed. The coverage of "old scars" is another key to understanding reactions and how to get past the difficulties they cause. One of the keys to solving problems is partial identification, otherwise known as seeing things from the other person's point of view. This is a major stumbling block for many people, and the tactics in this book for getting past this are super. This is especially important because most women want to be understood. Turndorf's coverage of overt fight content vs. the core of the issue offers useful insight.

Toward the end of the book, Turndorf gives a good summary of the book when she says, "Before you bring your problem to your mate, you will need to complete some Self-Work tasks that include identifying the Old Scars that the conflict rekindles; recognizing the Fight Traps you feel like using; draining off the emotional venom; digging up love; preparing your Icebreaker (which announces that a problem exists), your Lead-In (which is a supportive statement), and your Problem Statement; determining whether or not you're dealing with a negotiable issue; and preparing for a full-scale negotiation, if this applies." All of this is covered in the book.

Chapter contents (subheadings):
CH 1 - Understanding the Chemistry of Fighting
CH 2 - The Relationship Battleground: Identifying and Rating Your Conflicts on the Fighting Richter Scale -- Conflict Causes (Affection, Where's the Beef?, Intimacy, Leisure, Jealousy, Household-Chores, Lack-of-Follow-Through, Lack-of-Initiative, Parenting, In-Laws, Friendships, Values, Selfishness or Lack-of-Cooperation, Control, Money, Power-Struggle, You're Shutting Me Out, You Never Listen to Me), Conflict Vs. Fighting, Fight Habituation, Fighting Richter Scale (Stage 1 - The Broken Record, Stage 2 - Withdrawal, Stage 3 - The Bitter End)
CH 3 - The No-Fly (Off the Handle) Zone: Eliminating Fight Traps and Faulty Conflict-Resolution Tactics -- Fight Traps: Counterblaming, Verbal Attacking, Scorekeeping, Winners/Losers, I'm Right You're Wrong, Character Assassination, Globalizing, Kitchen Sinking, Throwing Oil on the Fire, Fighting Dirty, Ancient History, Exploding, Power Plays, One-Upmanship, Recruiting Allies, Guilt Trip, Silent Treatment, Withholding, Silent Sabotage, I Told You So, Sarcasm, Ambusher, Indirect Digs, Nagging Whining & Complaining; Obstacles: Old Scars, Seesaw Effect, Refusal to Negotiate, Manipulation, Problems Due to Couple Types, Yielding, Ostrich Policy, Contending, Lack of Cooperation, Controlling, Competition, Only Wimps Give In, No Team Players, Lack of Creativity
CH 4 - The Battle of the Bulge: Sex Wars -- Anger & Insecurity: The Best Forms of Birth Control, Men as Emotional Providers, Security Vs. Variety, Different Sexual Tastes, Sex War Games, Sec As the Battleground for Nonsexual Issues
CH 5 - Battle Scars: How Childhood Wounds Cause Chronic Relationship Conflict and How to Heal Them -- Repetition (the first clue), Intensity (the second clue), Old Scars Test, Stripping Away the Fight Content, Drawing a Fight Map (1 - Chart the Emotional Course of the Fight, 2 - Recognize the Feelings that You Experienced in Childhood, 3 - Recall a Specific Childhood Memory, 4 - Identify the Type(s) of Treatment You Yearned for from Your Parent(s)), Achieve Your Happy Ending (1 - Know Your Mate's Old Scars, 2 - Discuss Your Old Scars, Types of Old Scars (1 - Please Pay Attention to Me, 2 - Get Off My Back, 3 - Why Can't I Just Play?, 4 - You Don't Care What I Do, 5 - Stop Yelling At / Hitting Me, 6 - Please Stop Yelling At Each Other, 7 - Stop Hitting Each Other, 8 - Stop Touching Me That Way, 9- You Like My Brother / Sister More)
CH 6 - How Your Head Can be Your Own Worst Enemy: Training Your Mind to Fight For (Not Against) You -- Steps: 1 - Hold Your Horses, 2 - Take a Step Back in Time, 3 - Take a Hard Look at Reality, 4 - Check Out Your Suspicion, 5 - Smooth and Ruffled Feathers, Excessive Personalization
CH 7 - The Battle-Ax: How Women can Use Climate Control Techniques to End Relationship Fighting -- Relationship Essential Nutrients for a Man, Relationship Essential Nutrients for a Woman, Eight Basic Cool-down Principles, General Cool-down Techniques, Seeing the World From Your Mate's Point of View
CH 8 - Listening to the Battle Cry: How to Use Your Ears to Resolve Conflicts -- Why is Listening So Necessary?, Listening Blunders, What Causes Listening Blunders?, Listening Blocks: Discomfort Over One's Own Feelings, Listening Skills
CH 9 - On Furlough: Knowing When Not to Negotiate -- Violations of Relationship Laws, Emotional States, Value Conflicts, Beware the Tendency to Negotiate on the Overt Fight Content, Your Emotional Core
CH 10 - The Peace Treaty: How to Negotiate a Contract -- Getting Started, The Problem Statement, Presentation of Your Issue, Switching Battle Gear: Becoming the Discussion Overseer, If All Else Fails Abort Mission, How to Create a Winning Contract.

Fight No More

Reviewer: Dean Temple (California)

Most "professionals" try to make fighting acceptable in relationships and I think it's because they don't have a clue about how to help couples stop the fighting. Dr. Turndorf's "core therapy" method is awesome because she doesn't give quick-fixes and one-size fits all techniques that don't work. Instead she explains that all relationship fighting is caused by unhealed childhood baggage that makes you overreact and causes more fighting. Dr. T shows you how to figure out what wounds are causing your fights, and then she shows you how to help each other heal the wounds. Then you're ready for her step-by-step conflict resolution program which works. The results are nothing short of amazing.

Self-help book that shows how to stop marital war

Reviewer: Debbie B (United Kingdom)

This self-help book centers on Dr. Turndorf's proven method for resolving relationship conflict before it gets ugly, abusive, and over. The author, aka Dr. Love, bases her conflict resolution methodology on research that has led her to conclude, "fighting creates a chemical imbalance in men" that leads to more aggressive and negative behavior. This book provides ways to end or at least reduce the cycle of relationship warfare that spirals into divorce, hatred, and oftentimes leads to physical and mental abuse.

Her conflict-resolution steps are simple to follow. Sometimes we all can use an arbitrator like Dr. T. Her writing style is so personal that it feels like she's in your living room guiding you to end the conflict and reconnect. This book is for anyone who wants a better relationship with a partner, a friend, a sister, brother, mother, father, daughter or son.

Dr. Turndorf's Methods Work

Reviewer: Sharon S

This self help book is based on the theory that arguments lead to flight-fight behavior in men. Men then become withdrawn and removed. Dr. Turndorf provides suggestions to cool down the "climate" so that they can reapproach each other. This book is packed with humorous anecdotes and case examples. Its a fun read even if you don"t have marital conflict.

Self-help book that shows how to stop relationship war

Reviewer: Harriet K

This self-help book centers on Dr. Turndof's ten-step method to resolve marital conflict before it turns ugly, abusive, and over. The author AKA Dr. Love bases her conflict resolution methodology on research that has led her to conclude, "fighting creates a chemical imbalance in men" that leads to more aggressive and negative behavior. This book provides ways to end or at least reduce the cycle of marital warfare that spirals into divorce, hatred, and often time's leads to physical and mental abuse.

Though the steps seem obvious, it is helpful to see them written in a simple anecdotal manner that most adults can easily follow. The claim of 90% solution using this technique needs proper perspective, as the users will not have Dr. Love to personally guide them. It seems most likely that most relationships spiraling out of control need a third party arbitrator like Dr. Love to help the couple attain consensus rather than conflict. However, this book might prove beneficial to those partnerships not quite down the escalator trying to avoid the ride to marital hell.

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Expert Testimonials

"If anger and fighting are ruining your dream of a happy marriage, Dr. Turndorf’s conflict resolution program is for you."

-- John Gray,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus

"This well-researched book offers a thorough, step-by-step program that provides tools for couples to heal even the most troubled relationships."

-- Dr. John Mack
Pulitzer Prize winning author and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School

“This book provides a down-to-earth, easy to apply, proven method for creating relationship harmony. This book should be mandatory reading for every couple that wants to head-off or resolve the inevitable relationship conflicts and build lasting love. Buy this book and put it to use!”

-- John Bradshaw,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Homecoming

"Dr. Turndorf is an amazing individual who has wonderful advice to offer men and women of all ages and in all types of relationships. Ignore her counsel at your peril!"

-- Bill Hammond III,
Winner of the Best Historical Fiction Award, 2012

"You are awesome Dr. Jamie. You really are. The best part about you is the way you translate complex psychological stuff into easy to understand and actionable insights."

-- Kajay Williams,
Producer Relationship Advice Cafe

"Let me tell you why you're extremely important now. I really believe your message is there. You're spot on. More and more people should be taking advantage of what you're offering."

-- Michael Dresser,
Syndicated Radio Host

"Good stuff. Great insight. I love your approach. Who doesn't need more healing. I love your idea of using your partner as a healing agent. That's such a great way to see your partner. You give great labels and patterns to look for. I love your method. You make it sound so easy. You have a great website with lots of great information and resources. These are the tools we all need."

-- Dr. Matt Townsend,
Host, The Matt Townsend Show